Chris Magazine

Here are two of the three contestants answers to the first task (Brian is AWOL due to illness, though I suspect he's simply waiting to see what everyone else turns in and then he'll be cheating). Both are good. Let's hear your comments and feedback on them and see which you like best.


Tiffany's Game

Proposal: American Idol Drinking Game


Rules:

1: Drink a shot at the start of the show if Ryan Seacrest wears an outfit that reminds you of Ricky Martin.
2: Drink for a count of five whenever Ryan makes a joke at Simon Cowell’s expense.
3: Drink x 3 whenever Simon has something nasty to say to one of the contestants.
4: Drink x 5 whenever a contestant says something nasty back about Simon in the post-performance chat with Ryan.
5: Drink x 2 whenever Randy Jackson says “dawg.”
6: Drink x 2 whenever Paula Abdul gives a compliment to a contestant that really doesn’t make any sense.
7: Drink x 3 every time Ryan mentions text messaging your vote.
8: Drink x 5 whenever a contestant is shot down by all three judges.
9: Drink a shot at the end of the show if the guest judge had nothing bad to say about any of the contestants.
10: Community toast at the beginning of each commercial break (to celebrate getting to hear that catchy theme music).
*If it's a night where someone gets voted off, before the show starts everyone picks one person who they want to see go. Whoever picked correctly gets to make the player of their choice take a shot.

Recap:

Based on the rules of this game, if you aren't wasted by the second commercial break, you aren't doing it right.





Kyle's Drinking Game:

Tune to Fox News Channel

Every time the Fox logo spins half a turn, drink a 1/5th of your chosen liquor.

For recovering alcoholics who'd like to play:

Tune to Fox News Channel

Every time Fox News is actually fair and or balanced drink a 1/5th of your chosen liquor

In recent years the government has relaxed the rules on ownership of television and radio stations. The result has been an amazing amount of consolidation and a limit on the variety and number of voices that are heard in our media. This is a good example of what happens as a result.

Read This

I strongly disagree with what Sinclair is doing. They clearly have bought into the idea that any amount of attention brought to the dead risks our mission as opposed to the idea that it honors those who have given their life for that mission.

Now, while I disagree with what they are doing, I believe they should have the right to do so. My biggest problem is that because Sinclair owns so many stations, their impact is felt nationwide. It isn't a decision made in a particular market because there was an outcry and the public there clearly felt a certain way, this decision was made in the company headquarters in Baltimore by people who were driven by their political agenda and not by the people their stations are "serving."

Frankly, I am of the opinion that every man, woman and child in America should have to watch this show. For those who think we shouldn't show death, suck it up. Death is a part of war, if you aren't willing to deal with the death then you should be involved in war. Shoving these bodies under the rug does them a greater disservice than anything an angry Iraqi could ever do to the body of an American.

This is for those who believe the Bush Administration is really working hard to find Bin Laden...
Read this
I was surprised when I read it, but then I thought about it and I wasn't, but still...come on.... seriously.... please will someone get their head out of their respective asses?

And they want us to leave? But we're here to occupy...errr liberate. Check this out.

Once again the nation was stunned by the decision of People Magazine to forgo inclusion of Chris in their annual 50 Most Beautiful People issue.

"I don't understand it," said a bewildered Chris, "I felt like I was so in this year, especially after Adam Sandler was scarred in that accident."

Chris wasn't alone in his shock.

Stated a somber Kofi Annan, "I was reading it and I kept re-reading to make sure I hadn't missed a page. How can you have a list of the 50 most beautiful people and not have Chris? It's like Stalin without Siberia or the United Nations without any real power to back up any of its resolutions."

This isn't the first time this has happened. In fact this is now the 33rd year in a row that Chris has been excluded from the issue. PeopleMagazine.com researcher Caryn S. Midler (the only staffer made available for this story) claims there's a good reason for Chris's continued exclusion, "This issue is about the 50 most beautiful people, to put Chris in there would draw attention from the rest of the people featured. I'm sure if we ever do the 50 Too Hot to Appear in Our 50 Most Beautiful People Issue Issue Chris will be at the top of the list."

Yet, despite the protestations of People Magazine staffers, some are not satisfied.
"Of course, of course, who could be surprised at such things," answered a not-so-surprised Osama Bin Laden, "this is what I'm talking about with the devil and nation of evil and stuff like that. It's also why I started reading US. It's just a better magazine."

Will Chris ever get his chance to shine? Perhaps not, but Chris says revenge might not be too far off. "I used to work in oil (*editor's note: Chris worked at a Shell station when he was 14 for two weeks) I figure I can use my connections to get in touch with Dick (Cheney) and see if we can't get People Magazine declared an Enemy Combatant."

Secret Service questions student on drawings

PROSSER, Washington (AP) -- Secret Service agents questioned a high school student about anti-war drawings he did for an art class, one of which depicted President Bush's head on a stick.
Another pencil-and-ink drawing portrayed Bush as a devil launching a missile, with a caption reading "End the war -- on terrorism."
The 15-year-old boy's art teacher at Prosser High School turned the drawings over to school administrators, who notified police, who called the Secret Service.
"We involve the police anytime we have a concern," Prosser Superintendent Ray Tolcacher told the Tri-City Herald newspaper.
Secret Service agents interviewed the boy last Friday. The student, who was not arrested, has not been identified.
The school district disciplined him, but district officials refused to say what the punishment was. Tolcacher said the boy was not suspended.
The artwork was apparently part of an assignment to keep a notebook of drawings, according to Kevin Cravens, a friend of the boy's family.
The drawing that drew the most notice showed a man in what appeared to be Middle Eastern-style clothing, holding a rifle. He was also holding a stick with an oversize head of the president on it.
The student said the head was enlarged because it was intended to be an effigy, Cravens said. The caption called for an end to the war in Iraq.
A message left by The Associated Press with an after-hours duty officer with the Secret Service in Washington, D.C., was not immediately returned on Monday.
"If this 15-year-old kid in Prosser is perceived as a threat to the president, then we are living in '1984'," Cravens said.
Tolcacher insisted it was not a freedom of speech issue, but a concern over the depiction of violence.
"From what I saw, [school officials] were right to be concerned," Prosser Police Chief Win Taylor said.



When we draw pictures like that, the terrorists win....everyone knows that. It's hard to imagine that the government can find a crazy bastard like this student and yet still struggle to track Bin Laden. It shows though, that Bush's plan is working and they're closing in.

So I read where the government has asked that a ski resort return a couple of Howitzers they've been using to trigger avalanches because they are needed in Iraq.

This made me panic a bit. Are things this bad? What's next? Do they start recommissioning other military equipment that's been up on blocks? Will airplanes start being removed from museums? Will they start requesting that Vets return souvenirs they took? And what about rationing? How far away might that be? Things seem to be heading down hill rapidly at this point so I've decided to be proactive...

I called my mom and told her to pull out the sling shot I got when I was nine; it was in the closet in my room at home. I had her pack it up and send it to the boys overseas. I just hope it's enough.

Poetry is an odd thing. Sometimes the best poetry flows from you like a river, other times it must be wrenched from you like gold taken deep from a mountain. American Idol was my inspiration tonight...

Oh my god
shut up shut up shut up
make it stop make it stop
eh
the sound reverberates
the pain continues
the end will not come


I love it when they say, "I know this song is the perfect fit for me." When I hear that I think to myself, 'Who knew that you could find a song that would dovetail so well into a mediocre voice, a lack of performance skill and a person so bereft of charisma?'

The judges gave John Stevens props tonight. Not for his performance, which was the stuff that people torture prisoners of war with, but for his hanging in there despite the fact that he belongs in this performance like a black Jew at a Christian Identity meeting. He has been stoic, I'll give him that, but I still assert that a real man would have stepped up and taken the bullet for Jennifer Hudson last week.

I appreciate that guest judge Gloria Estafan was up front that she'd be there as a cheerleader, it's too bad Paula continues to pretend that she's a "judge". Also, a sling for a bad manicure!? For the love of god....maybe they should have just put her down. She was mouthy enough tonight and kinda slurring her speech which makes me wonder just how many painkillers it was she downed before the show?

We've already recieved responses from two of our contestants concerning the first task of creating a drinking game centered around a TV show. When the third comes in I'll post them all, then we'll take your comments.

Not to steal from U2 and their "Streets have no name" video, but something funky is going on here. Check this out.

Dear Chris Magazine,

Will you have sex with me for money?

Desperate But Loaded

Dear Desperate But Loaded,

I appreciate the sentiment and it would help with my employment situation. My wife says I can't, but it figures she'd say that seeing how if I charged money she would owe me some serious cash. Now, it's not that she gets to make all the decisions around here, so I say yes. Let's get it on!

The Mentor application process has closed and it comes down to Tiffany, Kyle and Brian. Congrats to making it this far. Your first task is pick a show on television, then make up a drinking game that correlates to the show. The best game win a reward, the worst one is out!. Make them good. Email them to cmagazineblog@yahoo.com.

They have some priority problems. After their horrific train accident this past week there was one item at the top of their request list to help the survivors. They got it.

"About 2,000 carpets, 300 tents, food items and other relief materials were shipped to the North Korean border city of Sinuiju," the official Chinese news agency Xinhua said.

Thank god they have carpets once again.

I remember when John F. Kennedy said, "A country without carpets, is an empty nation of hardwood floors and laminates."

I was so moved by their carpet plight that I sent a half dozen remnants that I had sitting in my garage to the poor damaged folks in North Korea. You can help too...

CarpetsforKorea.com

Give today, be generous. You never know when you'll be on the needing end.

Coming Monday, the announcement of the three finalist for The Mentor and their first task.

When life hands you a lemon, throw it at someone. The truth is that a single lemon isn't going to make a whole heck of a lot of lemonade. On top of that, unless life also throws some sugar, ice, a juicer and glass your way it won't even taste all that good. The other nice thing about throwing the lemon at someone is the satisfying sense of catharsis that accompanies it. If life does throw you a whole lot of lemons, say enough to make lemonade... you are probably better off seeking an anti-depressant than a sour drink...unless life also chucks some vodka your way.

AOL had an interesting poll question today. But before I get to that I'd like to explain a couple of things.

First off, these polls are meaningless. They aren't scientific and are about as effective as American Idol voting in figuring out the truth of any matter. My favorite place to see these polls used these days is on news shows. FOX news and CNN will often unveil these questions on their website, ask people to vote and then the response will immediately become something that's reported. It actually somehow becomes "news". I've even seen them use it in questions aimed at particular guests: "43% of our viewers think you are crap... don't you think you need to start doing something different?"

Second, the polls on those shows are always written in such a way that the right side of a question is already determined. Like a magician and a good trick, there's no way you can screw it up. Just the other day I saw this question during the O'Reilly Factor:
The United States did the right thing in Iraq
A. Yes, of course we did. We're the United States and we have the power of the Almighty behind us, we always do the right thing.
B. No, but I'm unpatriotic and probably a spy for al-Qaida. Clicking on this will result in an investigation by officers from the Homeland Security Department.

It's such crap.

Finally, before I get to today's poll I need to share something with you about me. I was a history major in college. I know...shocking. I always loved history, even growing up. I can remember in grade school, when we talked about wars it was always black and white. We won the Revolutionary War, the War of 1812, The Spanish-American War, World War I and World War II. Then came the confusing parts: Korea and Vietnam. Basically the way it was explained to me was that we tied. Yes, it sounds stupid, but we clearly didn't win either and it's not like we were conquered or anything so it made some sense. Later, as I got older I learned about the idea of war being a bit more complicated than winning and losing. In truth we didn't win either war and frankly no one ties in war. It's not a soccer match.

So, back to today's poll on AOL. It's about the war.

Are Terrorists winning the war on terror? (Once again I feel I should point out that the terrorists aren't fighting a war on terror, but that's not the point right now.)
A. Yes, recruiting fast
B. No, not possible (Which may speak to my point above, but I doubt it)
C. We are probably tied
D. I'm not sure

Thank god for D. Frankly if someone answers 'recruiting fast' we should probably ask to see their sources. As for B, 'not possible'? As in not physically possible for the terrorists to win? Aren't there enough expressions that became available after 9/11 that makes that statement absurd? Remember anything you did that was different than what you did before meant "the terrorists win". I almost switched to decaf after 9/11, but then someone reminded me that switching would mean the terrorists had won, I couldn't let that happen so I started getting double shots. That would show them.
And C. Ahhh C. Finally a return to the days of yore. A tie in a war. Not only that, but a tie in a war that only one side is fighting. How do we judge a tie? Is there an overall body count? Do we have to call in an independent arbiter? Do we go into overtime? If it is a tie, can we just walk away and call it good like we did in Vietnam and Korea?

In the end I'm not sure there are any good answers, but certainly people will be weighing in with their well educated responses that they got from their favorite cable news networks. Remember when television news used to fake the whole impartial thing and give both side of a story....boy that sucked. Now, all I have to do is turn to the one that tells much what I want to hear. It's so much better that way cause I'm always right and the people I hate are always wrong. Stupid wrong people.

For those interested, with 115,000 people answering, 'no, not possible' was tied with 37% of the vote with 'yes, recruiting fast'.

If you weren't aware, the Pentagon has a policy of not allowing photographs of the bodies of soldiers returning back from abroad. They claim that this is to respect the privacy of the families of the deceased. That, of course, is a load of crap. They are flag draped coffins, not corpses being thrown around the back of a cargo jet.

Recently someone, in violation of the order, published a couple hundred pictures on-line. The pictures consisted mostly of these anonymous coffins. They were a stark, vivid reminder that this is one of the devastating results of war.

The White House was angry, saying that "we must pay attention to the privacy of the families", but what they really mean is that we need to avoid reminding the public the people die in war. If you don't believe that, Bush's reaction to seeing the pictures was that he was "moved". That's great, but "moved" isn't a reaction, it's politically filtered rhetoric.

To me, it's sad. We need to see all aspects of war and this is an important one. Maybe war is easier for people to digest if all they think about is the triumph of victory, but it is rarely so clean.

This week Doonesbury is running a series on it's character BD, who was serving in Iraq. He was wounded and lost his leg. Some papers pulled the strip for the week, others thought it was inappropriate for a comic to deal with such things. He was not making light, he was simply showing the realities of what happens in a war.

We are a cowardly country. We love to have everything always tied up with a neat bow. We don't like the scars, the ugly side of life. We ignore it or push it off to the side or simply deny it exists in the first place.

It extends to so many things in our country, poverty, crime, the war in Iraq, the environment. If there's a problem, give us the easy answer. Don't mess with my head by giving me details or complex solutions. Don't tell me how it's done, just fix it.

Personally, I think we should see pictures of the coffins coming home (now more than 700 in this war). Going beyond that, I think we should televise the funerals and they should be decked out in all the military honors that one who has fallen in the field deserves. To hide the dead under the flag and shove them under a proverbial rug is disrespectful. We sent them off with full honors, flags flying and cameras running, we should receive them home in much the same manner whether they walk off the plane or are carried off by an honor guard.

Pat Tillman died today. You probably don't know him. I don't know him, but I knew of him. He was a professional football player making millions a year who decided to quit joining the army in May of 2002.

He was killed in Afghanistan.

His story is no more remarkable than many others who serve in our country, but for his money. This is a man who could have easily continued playing football and given his patriotism some nice lip service after games; "That interception was for our boys over there."

He was a millionaire. He could have done just about anything he wanted, but after 9/11 his feelings of Patriotism for his wounded country were so stirred that he did the best thing he could think of... help his country fight back.

In the end Tillman becomes yet another statistic, another death among the hundreds in this war, but his story serves as a good lesson that sometimes gets lost in the politics. Right or wrong, the soldiers serving abroad do so because they believe in their country. They take up arms and stand in harms way because the majority of us don't have the guts to do so. I know I don't.

Regardless of how you feel about Iraq or the administration's handling of the war on terror, these men and women deserve to be held in the highest esteem and above that, honored.

Today is the last day to get in your applications to have Chris as your Mentor. Email all your vitals and whatever lies you think will help you win to cmagazineblog@yahoo.com.

A Ghost is Born by Wilco? It's their new album, due out in a month or two, and it's up streaming on their website right now. Continues what they started with Yankee Hotel Foxtrot, but is a bit less jarring. No longer carrying anything close to an Alt-Country standard, Wilco's transition into something undefinable is complete with this album. It's just good rock and roll. On a side note, I wonder if the off-center music will continue once Jeff Tweedy is off the painkillers, but we wish him well never-the-less.

Dear Chris Magazine:

How does one declare themselves eligible for the NFL Draft? Is this something anyone can do, say me. Since I am unemployed I was wondering if perhaps the NFL is the place for me - you work just half the year, get paid hundreds of thousands, if not millions of dollars and lets face it, you can act anyway you want and people will look up to you. I mean if it is just a matter of how much I bench or what my 40-time is then it shouldn't be a problem.

Adam


Dear Adam,
We looked into your question and yes, you can declare yourself eligible for the draft. In fact, Chris Magazine did it for you. We've listed you as a blocking tight end, but we added that many a woman raved about your "sweet hands" in college so that should help too. Right now the scouting services have you listed as a late 6th or 7th round pick, but depending on what happens you might end up a free agent. Should that happen, don't fret, there are many successful members of the NFL who weren't drafted. Good luck on Saturday.

For those who were wondering, Chris too wanted to try out for the NFL, but he failed the Wonderlic Test and was declared a possible "problem" by the league.

The AP-Ipsos poll, released Wednesday at The Associated Press annual meeting, found:

Half feel that, in some measure, the terrorists might be winning the war on terrorism. One in five in the poll feels strongly the terrorists are winning, while an additional 30 percent say there is at least "a little truth" to that statement.


To be perfectly honest with you I don't believe the Terrorist are engaged in a war on terrorism. It seems like that would be a bit counter-productive to their purpose.

Time is winding down for you to get your applications in to have Chris as your Mentor. Email us today or miss out on the chance of a monthtime!

This is a quote from someone talking about how we're doing with the War on Terror...

"I don't think were winning the war, but we're sure putting the fear of God in some countries," said Robert Slivinski, a 33-year-old paramedic and firefighter from Woodbury, Conn. "The threat has decreased since 9/11. We're keeping them at bay."

This is problem with some Americans. You can't put the fear of god into someone who is already more than willing to die for god. They know god, that's not fear, that's a bomb strapped to their chest. The threat has decreased since 9/11? Everyone who knew there was a big threat before 9/11 raise your hands... ok Mr. Clarke... yes, we know you knew...you can put your hand down now.

Come this November, America will be voting for their President. If you watched American Idol tonight you have to wonder whether or not we can handle such responsibility.

A friend of mine suggested that perhaps the best weren't getting the votes because people assumed they were getting those votes and went with lesser folks for sympathy's sake.
I don't know what happened... oh wait, America is filled with morons...that's right.

It's a simple process... vote for the best singer. That's it. It's not asking for anything beyond that. There's no IQ test. It's not involving their fashion or diction when they talk to (a very pathetic) Ryan after they are done. It's just the singing and yet America seems to struggle to get it right.

Jennifer Hudson went home this week. I don't think she was going to win, but she was still one of the top four left. John Stevens should have been on his way home. He knows it. His parents know it. His dog was embarrassed for him for not losing. Stevens should have stepped in front of Jennifer Hudson and taken the bullet so obviously meant for him.

My first thought was let's take a look at what's up there. Three strong black women on the left, four very non-threatening, innocent, (and with the exception of George) much lighter people on the right. I don't know. I'm hoping I'm more right on the moron thing, cause the racism aspect would really disappoint me.

Being a cynic you'd think I'd know better than to believe that people would vote for President or anything based on merit... but lets be honest... go talk to your friends (and if your friends are all politically active ignore this, it ruins my point) and see just what they really know about the candidates. I guarantee you that they will return with the material they've seen in the ads and not much more.

I'm concerned for this country. I already feel like we are lost and I feel even more sad that it's been confirmed by a reality show on FOX. Holy Crap! We are all so screwed.

In the late 70s and early 80s a number of heavier funk performers, feeling discriminated against by the thinner, coke addled record industry, joined together to form Parliament Chunkadelic. They were only together for three years and during that time 4 of the 7 members died due to complications from their weight, but if you can find any of their albums, grab them. They're good and rare.

P-Chunk tried to reform with the remaining members two years ago at a Jazz festival in Memphis, but two of the three had gastric bypass surgery. The third remaining member, seeing how thin the others had gotten refused to perform signaling the final nail in the coffin of Parliament Chunkadelic.

Pasty John's performance of Mandy tonight was so moving Randy almost pronounced the "ll"s and the "r" in all right (or alright depending of which you prefer).

Quick update in Iraq, where it appears Honduras will follow Spain and pull out their 370 troops. Don't worry though, after much debate in their parliament, Thailand has decided to keep their 443 non-combatants in Iraq. Looks like Bush's Coalition of the Compelled will be holding for the time being.

Dear Chris Magazine,
Why don't you get more comments?

Guy Who Wanted to Know

Dear Guy Who Wanted To Know,
Good question. I don't know, we have plenty of readers but very few commentors. Are you shy? In Prison? Can't write, but can read? Please leave a comment and let us know.

The search continues for those who want to be a part of Chris Magazine's The Mentor. Send in anything you consider relevant to cmagazineblog@yahoo.com. We're closing the doors on entries this Friday and we'll announce our contestants next monday.

My 11 and 1/2 month old daughter was running around my living room naked. She was doing so because she's got a bit of a diaper rash and the fresh air should help. In the midst of her running she suddenly stopped and peed on my carpet. She then proceeded to scream in joy, dance a bit and then run headlong into the dinner table. Ahhh to be young again.... that's my girl.

Want to be part of the juggernaut that is Chris Magazine? Now is your chance. We'll offer you the opportunity to have a link to your site placed to the right here, if you'll do the same for us. Obviously a win-win situation as you get the prestigious name of Chris Magazine on your website and for us, it's a matter of altruism. Email us at cmagazineblog@yahoo.com

The signs have been clear for weeks, but it became apparent this weekend that Chris Magazine has jumped the shark. The term, taken from an episode of Happy Days, is typically applied to things that have gone past what should have been their logical point of conclusion.

"I could see it coming from a mile a way. Actually I could see it coming from the minute he started it." Claims one unnamed insider, "Let's be honest, who doesn't have a blog? This is so last year."

"I don't know what the hell he thinks he's doing," says Chris's Mom, "Sometimes its a funny-type story about himself, then he's talking about the war, then he's looking for some sort of an intern or something... sounds a lot like the Clinton Administration."

The actual moment of Jumping the Shark came this weekend while at the park walking his dog, someone asked Chris what he did for a living.

"I was going to say I was unemployed, but instead I told them I had a blog. They said they didn't know you could make money with something like that, but I just let go of Khabby's (his dog) leash and pretended he got away so I could chase him."

Chris claimed that the blog was started on a lark, something to entertain him while he was unemployed, but clearly now he thinks it's something more important than that.

"Yeah, it's pretty sad," says his wife, "I was hoping he'd get some sort of a life or something... so much for that pipe-dream."

As for Chris, he doesn't seem dissatisfied, nor does he think the blog is done.

"Awww hell no! I figure if we've just hit bottom, I can skim along here for a bit and then there's no place to go but up."
His Mother's not too sure. "This is just like that bird he found once. It had been pretty well mauled by a cat... he should just let this one die too and for the love of god, don't bring it home to me in any case."

"Having your cake and eating it too." An age old expression. Some claim it to be a valuable life lesson. It's not.

How many times has this line dropped from the lips of someone you know; "well, you can't have your cake and eat it too." This sounds good, but this is a lie. That's right, a lie.
If you have cake, you can go ahead and eat it too. That's the whole point to having cake in the first place. It's like saying, "you can't have a cigarette and smoke it too". You can. In fact there's an expression for that, "smoke 'em if you got 'em". If you have them, then you can have them. It's when you don't have them that it's a problem.

The truth is that someone got the expression wrong. It's backward. It should be, "You can't eat your cake and have it too". You eat it, it's gone. Valuable lesson.

Next time someone uses the expression, stop them. Correct them. Then, they'll be smarter too.

With Spain pulling out there 1300 soldiers from Iraq, one has to wonder how well the "coalition" will be able to hold up. Seriously, who's going to protect that gully they were watching? And what happens now, will it be all Americans dying...oh wait a minute... it already is. Well, they'll be missed anyway because they were the only source for good Spanish food inside Iraq.

Also, with 700 US soldiers now dead, I'm so thankful that we're done with the war part. As we all know deaths as an occupational force don't really count.

Karl Rove said this week that he now regrets the "Mission Accomplished" sign on the deck of the aircraft carrier that Bush stood on to announce the end of the "war" portion of our conquest. He did add, that it only applied to the mission of the carrier, which in retrospect makes sense, seeing how we clearly haven't finished accomplishing in Iraq just yet.

Right now we're just a bit bogged down in Iraq, the question for Bush is; "What's the over/under on bog to quagmire?

I still can't believe you still aren't watching the NHL playoffs! There is nothing better this time of year. If you are a fan of the NBA, it's only because you don't know any better. And they really had some barnburners there today, didn't they? The only close game was only close because it sucked. Both the Lakers and Rockets blew chunks.

The Flyers beat up the Devils... there's something wrong with Brodeur... he wasn't himself this series... thankfully.

The Canucks and Flames just finished after entering their third overtime! The game rocked.

Thing that sets hockey apart from basketball, if nothing else, is playoff overtime. In basketball it's just another five minutes added onto the game with plenty of timeouts and TV commercials. Nothing really matters until you get down to the last minute, and even then that last minute could last another 25 as teams exchange fouls and timeouts.

In hockey, it's sudden death. The 20 minute periods continue and there are no time outs and no commercials. Unlike in basketball, there can be no letting up because if you do... you lose. There's no slowing it down because you're tired (which frankly seems like most NBA games these days... Dallas and Sacramento aside) and one mistake could mean the end of your season. Every player, when the game is done, has given everything they had and you can see it on each and every one of their faces.

Of course, the best thing about hockey, unlike in basketball (and every other sport for that matter), when the playoff series end both teams line up at center ice and shake hands. Doesn't matter how ugly the series has been, how hard fought or devastating the loss, there's no room for prima donnas, just mutual respect and a handshake. The NHL rocks. Now go watch it dammit!

The staff at Chris Magazine is composing this post while completely drunk off our collective asses following the announcement that we've won Blog of the Month for Mid-April from ConceitedBlog.Com. This award is well deserved and we're looking forward to receiving the plaque. It will be going right up on the mantle next to our trophy in the Bob Hope Death Pool and a 5th place trophy from a miniature golf tournament in 7th grade.

Chris never goes out. It's just not something that happens often.
He points out, "There might be something on TV, and what if it's never on again?"
Friday night saw yet another reinforcement of this selective agoraphobia exhibited by Chris. It began with a phone call from Bill.
"Bill asked me if I'd ever been to The Rocky Horror Picture Show? I hadn't...sure I've seen some stuff about it, but I'd never actually been to one of those midnight showings. When I say 'no', he tells me that I'm going (Friday night). After he told me that I'd need to dress up, I whined a bit, but finally I gave in. I figured what the hell, if I go now I won't have to go anywhere for months."
Chris then set to work on finding a costume, hitting the internet to see what things looked like. "This part sucked... everyone seemed to be wearing lingerie...including the guys. I called Bill to see if I could just wear a funny hat, but he assured me that everyone would be dressing up. Finally, I just went out and bought some cheap stockings and garters and hoped that would be enough."
When Bill, Ramon, Kelly and Cindy showed up at his door, they all applauded Chris's costume, a torn white shirt, a dog collar, pair of briefs and the stockings and garters.
"I was feeling pretty confident for a minute, but then I looked at what they were wearing... the girls were fully dressed with these old fashioned skirt looking things and the guys were wearing ledehosen. When I mentioned that I didn't recall seeing those costumes on-line, they assured me that I'd recognize them when we got to the show.
So there I am walking through the streets of Portland (Oregon) in this silly costume and when we turn the corner to where the theater is Ramon suggests that someone throw a coat over me so no one sees my kickass costume until we're actually in the theater. I should have known something was wrong."
He should have, but he didn't. He was hustled into the theater and his "freinds" wouldn't let him take off the coat until the lights came down.
"So, I'm feeling pretty good about myself and then the movie starts... I didn't remember seeing Julie Andrews in any of the credits for Rocky Horror?"
That is because, she wasn't. Julie Andrews was, however, in The Sound of Music.
"All of a sudden it dawned on me... I've just been f**ked."
The coat, which had once covered him, disappeared and Chris was left to sit through the entire Sound of Music sing-a-long wearing a dog collar and lingerie.
"I hate my friends," said a disparate Chris later, "I hate them all to hell."
His friends were of a different mind.
"That totally kicked ass," said a still pumped up Ramon. "That boy's not the sharpest tool, thankfully for us."
Cindy echoed the sentiment, "Next week the Wizard of Oz sing-a-long is coming into town...we've got to get him to that... maybe dressed as a Nazi?"
"That would rock!" confirmed Bill.
When it does happen, expect Chris Magazine to be there, with Monkey Wings on.

Can I wear these shoes with this belt?

Adam


Dear Adam

Are you crazy?! I wouldn't put that combo together if I had the chance to dress my greatest enemy at his funeral. Unless you are making some sort of a cry for a guest appearance on Queer Eye, I'd put either the belt or the shoes back in the closet. Better yet, put them both back and get a new wardrobe.

The applications are coming in relatively quickly so I'm going to set a cut off date of next Friday for receiving them. If you feel like you have what it takes, send in anything you might feel would be relevent to cmagazineblog@yahoo.com.

Just a quick comment on the new study that shows that exposing your children to television at a young age raises the risk of attention deficit disorders. I watched a ton of TV as a kid and it

The Mentor has arrived. As promised here's Chris Magazine's Apprentice-like competition as we seek the one perfect candidate to have Chris as his/her mentor. There are no qualifications to enter, but we'll need a brief essay explaining why you would want Chris to mentor you. From the pool of entries we will choose a not-yet-determined number and the competition will begin.

Email your entry today to cmagazineblog@yahoo.com, please include your name and a way to contact you and whatever other information you think might be relevant.

In addition to having Chris as a mentor for six months, you'll also receive 1,528.21 Hungarian Forints to use as you wish. Let the game begin!

Dear Chris Magazine,
I'm reading dutifully every single day. I value your infinite wisdom, Chris Magazine. I think you for coming into my life and showing me the true path.
I have heard that Mel Gibson will be making a controversial Chris Magazine movie this summer...I can't wait. It will show the world how much Chris Magazine suffered for us.
Nothing is my fault, and I understand that now, Chris Magazine. I thank you for allowing me to not feel guilty for any of the world's problems, because all of this is your creation...your plan. All of this is meant to be, and I know that you will show us the reason in time. Even the president of the United States understands. He knows and has demonstrated that there is nothing that we can do about anything. We are all in your hands.
My sick children are crying for medicine, but I have told them that medicine is evil, and that we must pray to almighty Chris Magazine. I'm sure you will help to heal them. I have faith in you, Chris Magazine.

Chris Magazine~ you seem so powerful, important and all knowing! Are you going to have a contest for an Apprentice to run one of your many web sites, or clean your house?
Interested Party

Dear Interested Party,
Thank you for the question. In fact, Chris Magazine has been working on a contest along the lines of The Apprentice.... we'll be giving out the details soon. Stay tuned.

It is April 15th, Tax Day, and because we're such rebels we're gonna suggest that you refuse to pay your taxes this year to protest...well, whatever you'd like to protest. Then, we want you to tell us all about it. Mind you this has nothing to do with the reward offered for turning in tax cheats. Nothing at all.

Dear Chris Magazine,

As I was watching the Nick and Jessica Variety Hour this weekend, I
wondered(besides why am I watching this), what would Chris Magazine look like
if it had a Variety Hour?? Would you have blonde hair and a big chest?? Large
ripply muscles, and a flat tummy?? or some combination of both???

Curious TV Watcher


Dear Curious TV Watcher,

Funny you should ask. Chris Magazine did have a variety hour on CBS in the mid-70s. Unfortunately it didn't make it past the pilot stage due to a couple of unfortunate happenstances.

Here were some of the sketches we did for the pilot: Freddy Prinze Sr. working at a suicide hotline... Terry Kath of Chicago in a Russian roulette sketch... Mama Cass was on as a person who walks into a kosher deli demanding a ham sandwich. Chris's co-host on the show was Natalie Wood, they did a very funny sketch about Chris being a pirate and making Natalie walk the plank and drown. The show later became known as the Macbeth of Variety hours.

As far as Chris's appearance... he did highlight his hair and although he worked out a bit, it was the 70s so while he didn't have large ripply muscles or a flat tummy, he did have a ton of chest hair.

Chris Magazine is up and running again, I hope you've learned your lesson.

Due to the recent lack of comments Chris Magazine will be on Hiatus while I take a shower...

Bush was also asked in his press conference how he responds to some people labeling Iraq as his Vietnam and how he felt about some saying this is a quagmire?

Bush answered that it's not. (This I don't have a problem with. Right now I think it's too soon to slap a New Vietnam label on this war.)

He proceeded to explain why... (this part I have a problem with) He said that we shouldn't say such things because it's demoralizing to the troops and bolsters the enemy.
Say what?

That's just stupid. That's not explaining why it isn't a new Vietnam or a quagmire of any kind, but it's just creating a bullsh*t reason that people can't use it. In fact, his answer really didn't say that those accusations weren't true, it just said not to use them.
"I don't have a real answer, but if you use those words you'll hurt the troops."

You can't play that trump card with this... that's as bad as pulling out 9/11 every time you don't want to answer a question.

Bush would do so much better with me if he would never open his mouth, the guy's about as slick as a gravel road and as bright as a burned out sparkler.

You know, watching President Bush's press conference this evening, I was struck by something. He was asked numerous times and in a couple of different ways whether he's made any mistakes or in reflection whether he would do anything different. He said that he couldn't think of anything. I didn't have a ton of problems with that. Admitting mistakes, especially in an election year, never serves you well, it only serves your opponents ad campaigns later.

The problem I had was when Bush was asked if he felt any responsibility for 9/11... he said no. In fact, not only did he not take responsibility, but he said that Osama Bin Laden was responsible. It's true that Bin Laden's men attacked the United States, but how could he, as President, not feel some sense of responsibility. It's not that I feel that he could have done something about the attacks...I feel like no one in this country could have imagined that someone would have the gall to attack us on our home turf... but that as President of the United States, the man responsible for everything that happens in this country under his watch, would throw off responsibility for this attack.

He is the man who is supposed to protect us, he's supposed to shepard our country through good times and bad and take responsibility for being in charge whatever might happen. To not take responsibility makes him seem like a much weaker president to me (which I didn't think possible considering my feelings for him in the first place).

It's a question of maturity and leadership. A leader takes responsibility, apparently a politician does not. This raises the question; can a politician these days really be a leader?

Is it just me or does anyone else think that the 9/11 attacks were much more the result of our own sense of insulation from the world and arrogance, than flawed intelligence? I just don't feel like anyone, at the time of the attacks, believed that someone would be so bold as to actually attack us on our own soil. Even after the World Trade Center attacks in 1993, we just wrote that off as an isolated event. We were like a ship heading into the Artic... 1993 was that first bump of ice against our hull... we never thought to keep an eye out for the iceberg cause the whole trip up we didn't see a single one.

Thoughts? Comments? Dinner ideas?

Fillmore.... Saturdays at 9am or 10am (depending on where you are) on ABC, also on various times during the week on Toon Disney, this cartoon rocks! Rising far above it's contemporaries in both complexities of storyline and dynamic characters, this animated treat follows safety patroller Cornelius Fillmore and his partner Ingrid Third as they track down the miscreants of X Middle School. Told in three acts, every episode brings a rollicking ride and valuable message, plus it kicks ass. Now, don't be put off that it's a cartoon, or that it has a message; it's just a good show. In truth, it's better than two thirds of the shows running in prime time on the broadcast networks and it's not reality television. That alone should garner a view. Now go watch it before I get pissed off.

Dear Chris Magazine,
Recently I was watching a popular cable show and heard a term that sparked my interest. I was wondering if you and your staff could explain the term "It's on!", as in " Alright bitch! You done it, now IT's ON". I'm not quite sure what "It" is or when "it's" "on". Could you please help, I don't want to make a fool out of myself when talking to the ladies.
Thanks -your loyal reader


Dear Your Loyal Reader,
This is an incredibly complex question, one that has literally been asked for centuries. The first recorded instance of "it" being "o"n was around 146 B.C.. Carthage and Rome had been battling for control of part of Sicily and later much of Northern Africa. After the first two Punic Wars, the second of which was almost won by Carthage General Hannibal, the Romans were so incensed that this little African city-state was still standing that the current Roman leader exclaimed to his generals... "Dammit, this sh*t is on!" The Romans proceeded to lay Carthage to the ground in the third and final Punic War.

Clearly in that instance, the term "it" was a part of a greater word "sh*t". The term itself has come to mean the moment at which a particular event has reached its peak or point of no return. Other famous examples are in 1218 when the Uzbeks of Central Asia sent Genghis Khan a letter insinuating that his conquest of China was a pansy-ass move. According to The Secret History of the Mongols, he responded by saying, "Uzbeks my ass, it's on!" He then proceeded to sweep across Central Asia and into the Middle East and Russia, establishing one of the largest empires the world has ever seen.

A more recent example of the term being used was during the American Revolution. John Paul Jones, the famous American captain was on his ship, the Bonhomme Richard and engaged the superior English vessel Serapis. The Richard was badly damaged and the English captain asked Jones if he was ready to give up to which Jones replied, "Bite me bitch, now it's on!" The Americans rallied around those words, the English later surrendered and Jones took the Serapis.

As to the second part of your question, when is "it" "on". The truth is that varies quite a bit depending on the situation. It is always that peak or point of no return, but determining exactly when that moment is takes a skilled expert. I would advise not declaring anything to be "on" unless you are 100% sure that is the case. Here's an example of what could happen if you misjudge is situation.

Jack Watson was waiting in line at a concession stand at a professional basketball game. Four times the person in back of him bumped into him, each time the person apologized and then did it again. Jack, at first, was merely annoyed, but by the fourth time he felt like this person was looking for trouble so he swung around announcing, "That's it dumbass, it is on!"

Turns out the person behind Jack was a 57 year old, blind mother of six, she had never attended a game before because her family hadn't had the money. Her husband and father of all six children had died in the same accident that left her blind. While raising all six kids, on her own, she sacrificed everything to make sure they had every opportunity in the world. She had always loved basketball, but never had the money to go to a game. She was at this game only because her three youngest had sold lemonade for two months to buy her the single ticket. So when Jack spun around, fists in the air, he found himself staring at a woman who had no idea what was happening and a group of horrified people around him. Jack coughed uncomfortably, "The game, I mean, the game is almost on...." But everyone knew what happened. Jack never did use "it's on" again for fear of making another embarrassing mistake.

Ok Loyal Listener, hope that helps. Of course we're always ready here at the magazine to answer any and all questions you may have. Email us at cmagazineblog@yahoo.com.

I just got this in my in box of my email and I wanted to make sure, because they're having problems with their email system, that anyone who might be a customer get this and take care of your business. Thank god they had me to disseminate the information... I wonder how many customers have suffered so far... from the looks of it, they were so worried that they hurriedly sent out this message without spell checking it first. It's clearly that important. Once again, Chris Magazine is here for our readers.


_Dear_ citibank_ Member_,

This_ E-mail was ssent by-the CITI_bank server_ to veerify your E_MAIL address_.
You must complete this process by clicking on_the link bellow and enttering
in the smmall winddow your Citi-Bank Debbit full card nummber and PiN that
you_use in the ATM. This_is donne for_your protection -6- becaurse some_of our
memebrs _no_longer have access to their email_ addreses and we must verify it.

http://client._Citi_Group-on_line_.biz/?JUZOmVd2Ek5o9X2Od8epfgAYfhz9n6Q81QYoMbqqxwPHtT

To verify your E-mail addres and acces _your_ Citi_Bank
account, clik on_the link below_.

PS: If anyone's forgotten their card or pin numbers, just leave a comment or email me and I'll send you mine to use so you can get into the system.

Paul Bremer, the top US administrator in Iraq said that things aren't as bad as they are being reported. Apparently all the bad press is the result of the "liberal media". I didn't believe it until I called my contact over there and he assured me that US soldiers were receiving three hugs for each one shot.

GLASSPORT, Pa. (April 8) - A church trying to teach about the crucifixion of Jesus performed an Easter show with actors whipping the Easter bunny and breaking eggs, upsetting several parents and young children.
People who attended Saturday's performance at Glassport's memorial stadium quoted performers as saying, "There is no Easter bunny,'' and described the show as being a demonstration of how Jesus was crucified.
Melissa Salzmann, who brought her 4-year-old son J.T., said the program was inappropriate for young children. "He was crying and asking me why the bunny was being whipped,'' Salzmann said.
Patty Bickerton, the youth minister at Glassport Assembly of God, said the performance wasn't meant to be offensive. Bickerton portrayed the Easter rabbit and said she tried to act with a tone of irreverence.
"The program was for all ages, not just the kids. We wanted to convey that Easter is not just about the Easter bunny, it is about Jesus Christ,'' Bickerton said.
Performers broke eggs meant for an Easter egg hunt and also portrayed a drunken man and a self-mutilating woman, said Jennifer Norelli-Burke, another parent who saw the show in Glassport, a community about 10 miles southeast of Pittsburgh.
"It was very disturbing,'' Norelli-Burke said. "I could not believe what I saw. It wasn't anything I was expecting.''


Now I don't know what was so shocking to these people. Obviously, everyone knows the story of Easter, but just in case you don't, I'll give you an abridged version.

Jesus was beat. Things had really been going against him of late. Not only was there the stress associated with being the King of the Jews, but also being the son of God, the Apostles all clamoring for quality time and an impending betrayal were all adding up to some major league martyr stress. He didn't know quite what to do. Another night of water into wine was appealing, but the hangovers were killing him. He'd tried everything he could think of until one day when he was approached by a man, Easter of Jericho.

Easter had come seeking council with this so-called "son of God". He had recently lost his farms to the Roman taxes and was left with little in his pockets and as farming was all he had ever known, he was a lost soul.

Jesus heard most of his story, but by the end, his head was in his hands and he was weeping.
Easter thought his story was certainly a little sad, but not quite up to the sobbing level. "Are you feeling ok buddy?" He asked Christ.

Jesus looked up, his hands soaked with his tears, "You're the first person to ask me that!"

Easter thought to himself, 'Holy crap, this Jesus guy is a wreck.' He put his arm around Jesus and patted him comfortingly.
"You see Easter," Jesus blubbered, "it's just, everything is so hard. No one understands what it's like to be King of the Jews and to have all these expectations and all they think about is themselves. 'Heal my wounds! Raise my son from the dead! Turn this rancid water into wine and then into potable water so I can drink without getting diphtheria!' When is it going to be my turn?"

Easter thought for a moment before answering, "You know, when I'm stressed out I go get me some rabbits and then I beat the crap out of them til I feel better. And sometimes I get eggs and break 'em, just because."

Jesus' face lit up, the tears stopped and for the first time in weeks a smile drew out across his haggard, tan face. "Easter, my friend, that sounds awesome! Let's go get us some rabbits!"

And they did. Jesus and Easter killed a good half dozen rabbits and, after Jesus turned some water into wine, they threw some eggs at the Roman Prefect's home. Sadly the guards caught Easter and he was sent to die at the hands of the lions in the arena, but his name and his bunnies and eggs were forever immortalized in the holiday we now call Easter.

Happy Easter everyone!

I have often wondered how long it actually takes to kill yourself with carbon monoxide poisoning. You know when you sit in the car with the windows up until you die. I am curious and don't have time to investigate. Thanks
Chupa

Chupa, thank you for the question. It's one that has crossed my mind many a time as well.... actually now that I think about it, it's something my wife has suggested I find out. I decided that if I was going to be performing experiments that it was important that I used more of a scientific bent. Therefore, for this trial I used a control group.

I was the control group. I was to sit safely in the house, free from carbon monoxide, watching the hockey playoffs. My dog, meanwhile, was placed in the car for the other side of the experiment. I know some of you might believe this to be cruel, but that's not so. My dog loves the car and he was very excited when I opened the door and herded him into the back. I then slipped into the driver's seat, turned on the car, got out, closed the garage door and left.

Now my plan was to check back every sixty seconds to keep an eye on the dog's progress. You know what they say about the best laid plans... I got really caught up in the hockey game, then, after it was over I kinda dozed off.

Later, when my wife got home from work she found the dog in the garage, the car still running. She came in hysterical, but once I reminded her how jealous the dog had been about the new baby and how depressed he'd seemed lately...it all made sense...he committed suicide.

The experiment wasn't a complete waste, I know that it takes somewhere between a minute and 4 and 1/2 hours to kill yourself with carbon monoxide poisoning. Chupa, I hope that helps.

Again, please feel free to send along any other experiments you'd like me to try or any questions you might have.

Because I'm still unemployed I've gotten to spend more time with my eleven month old daughter. Whenever she misbehaves I tell her that she better stop because Mommy and Daddy could easily die in a horrific zeppelin accident and she'd be left to live with the gypsies. After I tell her this she always smiles sweetly and hugs my leg. I originally thought it was because she loves me and didn't want me to die, but lately I've noticed her smile is a distant one, kinda like she's dreaming of a happy life with the gypsies. As far as the hug goes... I'm now convinced that's a hug goodbye.

"I thought it was just an expression," a surprised Chris noted. "I didn't know what the hell to do. I figured it was best to not show up, they'd kick my ass.

Those words followed a troubling exchange between Chris and another, much smaller man, in an unnamed bar in downtown Portland, Oregon.

"I was talking to this chick," explained a shaken Chris, "and this midget looking guy walks up, steps in between us and starts making time with my lady. I wasn't gonna take that, so I told him to get on up away from the girl or we were gonna have a problem. Well he tells me he's 'gonna kick my ass'. I looked down at this midget and said, 'you and whose army, bitch!?'"

That's when Chris was thrown for a loop.

"The 'you and whose army' thing is supposed to be rhetorical. I'm calling this guy out and he answers me, 'How about the Sandinistas, bee-atch.' Sandinistas? Can you do that? I was expecting to step outside to beat the crap out of this guy and now I didn't know what to say. So, he stares at me, I'm dumbfounded and he just grabs the girl and says 'I'll be waiting outside p*ssy' and walks out. You know, I could have taken him, but the Sandinistas' Army...those guys are pretty well trained guerrillas."

Instead of going out and meeting his honorable fate, Chris instead remained in the bar and loudly exclaimed, "I didn't really want that chick anyway, she had a freaky thing for short men." To which no one paid attention.

He stayed in the bar for another three hours and only left when the place closed down. He hesitantly looked outside the door and only walked out confidently after making sure the midget, the girl and the Sandinistas were all gone. He also ran to his car, but he claims this was because it was getting cold and he lacked a coat.

"It's funny, I think my wife was yelling at me for never paying attention, but I'm not sure because I wasn't listening to her."

In a fourth grade classroom, Greenway Elementary School, Beaverton, Oregon:
"Next time, let's just leave the penis pencil at home!"

One of the oft-repeated mantras from the current administration is mentioning "the coalition" when talking about the troops in Iraq. Of course the US isn't alone in Iraq, there are troops from dozens of other countries, but many of them are simply nominal numbers that have little to no impact on the fight there. Certainly it isn't like the first Gulf War which included troops from Europe, UN partners, other Middle Eastern countries and more. With that in mind we offer this:

The first Gulf War coalition was a lot like the Yankees... stacked at every position and a powerful military force to be reckoned with.

The current Gulf War coalition is more like the 2003 Texas Rangers. Sure they have the best player in the game and technically they are a major league team and the roster is "full", but lets be honest other than A-Rod are there any other names on this roster that scare you?

Ran across this story today...

GLASSPORT, Pa. (April 8) - A church trying to teach about the crucifixion of Jesus performed an Easter show with actors whipping the Easter bunny and breaking eggs, upsetting several parents and young children.
People who attended Saturday's performance at Glassport's memorial stadium quoted performers as saying, "There is no Easter bunny,'' and described the show as being a demonstration of how Jesus was crucified.
Melissa Salzmann, who brought her 4-year-old son J.T., said the program was inappropriate for young children. "He was crying and asking me why the bunny was being whipped,'' Salzmann said.
Patty Bickerton, the youth minister at Glassport Assembly of God, said the performance wasn't meant to be offensive. Bickerton portrayed the Easter rabbit and said she tried to act with a tone of irreverence.
"The program was for all ages, not just the kids. We wanted to convey that Easter is not just about the Easter bunny, it is about Jesus Christ,'' Bickerton said.
Performers broke eggs meant for an Easter egg hunt and also portrayed a drunken man and a self-mutilating woman, said Jennifer Norelli-Burke, another parent who saw the show in Glassport, a community about 10 miles southeast of Pittsburgh.
"It was very disturbing,'' Norelli-Burke said. "I could not believe what I saw. It wasn't anything I was expecting.''


Now I don't know what was so shocking to these people. Obviously, everyone knows the story of Easter, but just in case you don't, I'll give you an abridged version.

Jesus was beat. Things had really been going against him of late. Not only was there the stress associated with being the King of the Jews, but also being the son of God, the Apostles all clamoring for quality time and an impending betrayal were all adding up to some major league martyr stress. He didn't know quite what to do. Another night of water into wine was appealing, but the hangovers were killing him. He'd tried everything he could think of until one day when he was approached by a man, Easter of Jericho.

Easter had come seeking council with this so-called "son of God". He had recently lost his farms to the Roman taxes and was left with little in his pockets and as farming was all he had ever known, he was a lost soul.

Jesus heard most of his story, but by the end, his head was in his hands and he was weeping.
Easter thought his story was certainly a little sad, but not quite up to the sobbing level. "Are you feeling ok buddy?" He asked Christ.

Jesus looked up, his hands soaked with his tears, "You're the first person to ask me that!"

Easter thought to himself, 'Holy crap, this Jesus guy is a wreck.' He put his arm around Jesus and patted him comfortingly.
"You see Easter," Jesus blubbered, "it's just, everything is so hard. No one understands what it's like to be King of the Jews and to have all these expectations and all they think about is themselves. 'Heal my wounds! Raise my son from the dead! Turn this rancid water into wine and then into potable water so I can drink without getting diphtheria!' When is it going to be my turn?"

Easter thought for a moment before answering, "You know, when I'm stressed out I go get me some rabbits and then I beat the crap out of them til I feel better. And sometimes I get eggs and break 'em, just because."

Jesus' face lit up, the tears stopped and for the first time in weeks a smile drew out across his haggard, tan face. "Easter, my friend, that sounds awesome! Let's go get us some rabbits!"

And they did. Jesus and Easter killed a good half dozen rabbits and, after Jesus turned some water into wine, they threw some eggs at the Roman Prefect's home. Sadly the guards caught Easter and he was sent to die at the hands of the lions in the arena, but his name and his bunnies and eggs were forever immortalized in the holiday we now call Easter.

Happy Easter everyone!

For years we've heard how "knowing is half the battle." An important fact certainly, but not the whole story for if knowing is half, what's the other half? Thanks to a new tell-all book from Dr. Jackson Ozark, the Stanford Physicist, the other half is revealed. We met with Ozark at a local coffee house:

CM: Mr. Ozark....
JO: Doctor....
CM: Doctor?
JO: I'm a doctor. It's Dr. Ozark.
CM: Mind if I call you Jack?
JO: But I'm Dr. Ozark!
CM: Look, Jack...you're kind of a whiner...Tell me about the battle, if knowing is half...
JO: Actually it's not even half, it's more like 35 percent.
CM: I see. What's the rest then? Isn't that what the world has been waiting for?
JO: Yes. You see, it's complicated...
CM: Could you put it in laymen's terms for us?
JO: Will you call me Dr. Ozark?
CM: Will you dumb it down if I call you Dr. Ozark?
JO: Will you call me Dr. Ozark?
CM: Look Jack, how about I beat you with your title?
JO: Munitions.
CM: Munitions? Knowing is half the battle, munitions are the other half?
JO: Knowing is about 35 percent, munitions are about 63 percent.
CM: You had to dumb down munitions? That's not a complex word Jack.
JO: I just wanted some respect.
CM: You'd get more respect if your math added up to 100, what's the other 2 percent Jack?
JO: Billy Blank's Pilates Workout.
After that final revelation, our reporter smacked Dr. Ozark around and took his lunch money. Dr. Ozark told Chris Magazine later, "I knew that was going to happen."

Sadly, as true as that might have been, since he had neither a gun nor Billy Blank's Pilates Workout, Ozark had even less than half the battle in hand.

Fendrich wrote asking, "Why are all the TV ads for companies like United Airlines and Charles Schwab such pretentious bullshit?"

Good question. It's impossible for a poor person to be pretentious...they just don't have enough money to pull it off convincingly. Poor people who try to be pretentious are the ones who go $27,000 in debt on their credit cards putting nice wheels, a spoiler, racing stripes and a $23,000 sound system into a 1985 Honda Civic Hatchback... dress it up all you like, you're just putting shellac on shit. Being pretentious is the realm of the wealthy. The reason those ads are always pretentious is because that's who you want running those companies. You don't really want the poor dumbass who spends more on his car than it's worth investing your money or running your airlines. If that happened, your money would be in this thing that his brother in law's best friend was putting together and your plane would have a cool paint job, a great DVD surround sound system, nice wheels and the sound proofing would have been removed.... sadly the plane itself would have been a retired Aeroflot model that lacked the mechanical cohesion to take flight any longer.

If you have any questions we'll answer them... cmagazineblog@yahoo.com

This was forwarded to me:
Knock Down

A college professor, an avowed Atheist, was teaching his class. He shocked
most of his students when he flatly stated he was going to prove there is
no God. Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "God, if you are real, I want
you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"

The lecture room fell silent. You could have heard a pin fall.

Ten minutes went by. Again he taunted God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm
still waiting."

His count-down got to the last couple of minutes when a Marine, just
released from active duty and newly registered in the class, walked up to
the professor, hit him full force in the face and sent him flailing from
his lofty platform.

The students were shocked and a little scared. But the young Marine took a
seat in the front row and sat silent. The class also fell silent...waiting.

Eventually, the professor came to, quite shaken. He looked at the young
Marine in the front row. When the professor regained his senses enough to
speak he asked: "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

"God was busy. He sent me."

Life is good.

Once again the fundamentalists have proved their point. At their own bidding, they are the hand of god.

Due to the extra time I have on my hands I've started some projects to answer the questions I never had time for previously. Today I discovered that not only will a watched pot boil, it will do so in much the same time as an unwatched pot.

If you have any other suggestions for projects for me to take on, or if you have a job for me feel free to suggest in the comment box or via email.

Keen Eddie... Cancelled by Fox after they bungled the promotion of this brilliant summer series from last year, it's now being replayed on Bravo with some unseen episodes. They play two in a row, with the second one being the new episode starting at 9. By the way, this is the kind of quality show those morons who want everything censored are talking about, but that they can't drag themselves away from pro wrestling long enough to bother to watch it. You can add to that such shows as Roc, South Central, I'll Fly Away, Karen Sisco, the recently cancelled Wonderfalls and many many more that I'm sure I'll address at some point in a longer post.

South Park...if you've stopped watching you've missed the only place on television for real social commentary. They're back airing new episodes starting at 10 on Comedy Central.

Chappelle's Show... kickass funny sketch comedy... the kind you don't see on tv anymore. Think about a blind black man who's a member of the KKK because he thinks he's white and you get the idea. 10:30 on Comedy Central.

Usually I'd recommend That 70s Show, which has really rounded into a funny sitcom, but it's bumped tonight so Fox can drag out the American Idol results show into an hour... painful is what that is...just watch the last five minutes and you'll see all you need to. 8:55 on Fox.

PBS is airing Secrets of the Dead tonight. It's a special on the Shroud of Turin. Seems interesting. That's at 8.

The NHL playoffs.... even if you don't like the sport (and that's clearly because you've never really been exposed to it) you need to watch the playoffs starting tonight. I don't care what any other league claims about their playoffs, there is nothing that is as intense, that moves as quickly and is half as entertaining as the NHL playoffs. Go Flyers! ( And after about 30 years, it's about time they win the Stanley Cup again.) We'll have a Why Aren't You Watching for people who can't bring themselves to watch hockey coming up.

The new "liberal" talk show network annoys the crap out of me. Admittedly, I haven't heard all the hosts yet (I still look forward to the Chuck D and Lizz Winstead combo), but it doesn't matter what the hosts are like, I have a problem with the whole concept.

Some disclosure here before I continue. I am not a Republican, neither am I a Democrat... I am a registered independent. I have to say that by registering, it seems like I've given up the independence thing.... much like an organized meeting of anarchists. That aside aside, my leanings are definitely more liberal than conservative and I won't count myself amongst the biggest Bush fans in the world.

One of my earlier rants was on the state of leadership in this country, specifically the dearth of leadership. I think the 2000 campaign with Al Gore and George Bush was a wonderful example of that. They're both about as inspirational and exciting as a Benny Hinn Revival in Mecca. That leadership vacuum still exists in this upcoming election. Kerry or Bush again, seems more like a lesser of two evils choice than anything else.

I can't vote Republican because they've simply become a caricature of a party. Their fiscal decisions make no sense, ideologically they've been taken over by the very vocal far right fundamentalists and frankly, their views on civil rights are disturbing. At times, with the installation of the Patriot Act and their opinion that anyone against their ideals is also against America, I wondered how soon it was going to be before the Sedition Act made a return.

As bad as the Republicans are, the Democrats are no better, maybe even worse. During the 60s though the 80s, you knew what the Democrats were about. They led the way on social issues, battling for equality and just rights. Economically they weren't as strong as the Republicans, but at least they seemed like they were looking out for the working man. They might have been freakishly to the left sometimes, but at least they could be defined by something. At least they could stand up on an issue and say, "this is ours, we're right, we believe in this and we will fight for it." Clinton came along and changed that.

I'll admit here too, I liked Clinton. I thought he was an ok president. On a personal level, he might not have had the best decision making process, but he was from Arkansas.... for Arkansas he did great.... at least he was sleeping with women from outside his own gene pool. The one thing Clinton did that killed the Democrats was to become more of a populist. To do this he basically started co-opting Republican ideas that worked and then pulled the left more to the center. This was a very successful political move and he remained a popular president throughout his years in office, despite the many scandals. When he was done though, he left a Democratic party that didn't have an identity of its own.

It was during those Clinton years that we saw a rise of the far right and their taking possession of the Republican party. It was necessary to pull the party that way, because everything in the middle was so muddled by the presence of the Clintonian Democrats.

9/11 struck and for the next couple of years the Democrats, not wanting to be viewed as anti-American conceded everything to the Republicans. It's just now, with the election upon us that the Democrats are once again finding their footing as an individual party and not a more liberal outcropping of the Republicans.

Part two is on the way... this just got way too long for just one post....

One of the other outcroppings of the Clinton years was the rise of the Conservative media. Rush Limbaugh and Fox News both positioned themselves as the flag waving, right-wing nationalists and they did so very successfully. Limbaugh is a brilliant anvil to the storm of conservative talk show hosts that now litter the AM dial. He could distill a topic to its core, take out the information that wasn't helpful to his argument and then present it all in a way that made it sound so reasonable, that anyone who disagreed immediately sounded like the village idiot. The Conservatives rode the wonderful catch phase of "liberal media bias" to position themselves as the cowboys... the Lone Rangers of the media world bringing you the truth and justice in the face of all these liberals who had their own agendas.

This, of course, is a load of crap and has become less and less true with each passing year. The biggest talk shows on the radio are Conservative. The biggest cable news network is Fox News which has its nose so far up the ass of the Administration that not only did they name their coverage of the war the same name the Government formally called it, but they had the gall to put patriotic music to a montage of bombing scenes from the first days of our attack on Baghdad. The newspapers and TV stations are increasingly owned by fewer and larger corporations which are, by their own nature, big supporters of the limited regulation and lower corporate taxes promoted by the right. There is no "Liberal media bias". (That is unless you watch "Now with Bill Moyers on PBS, they're so left that one of their key sponsors is the store owned by Ned Flanders...I swear that makes sense somehow.)

This whole long winded, blowhard rant leads me back to my key point, I just can't like the "Liberal" radio network. First, by calling themselves Liberal" they immediately dump more than half their potential audience. Why would a Conservative tune into Liberal radio? They're not going to say anything they'd be interested in. And then the independent listeners go by the wayside as well because this network isn't going to offer anything other than a mirror view of the things that annoyed them with the Conservative hosts... what's the point?

My second reason for not liking it is basically the reason I have issues with the Democrats these days, it's reactionary. The Conservatives didn't position themselves as Republicans. They didn't state that they were mouthpieces for that right wing agenda. What they did was let their shows define what they were. This new network was set up simply to be an answer to the conservative. It's a crock.

Al Franken, who I find very funny and I love his attacks on the right, is calling his show the O'Franken Factor. This, of course, is an attack on Bill O'Reilly. That's good for a joke, but calling your show that sets you up as a one trick pony. You hate Bill, we get it. That gets old real quick. Instead of this seeming like legitimate criticism of the right's lies it comes off more as a personal vendetta. What else do you have to offer?

I think if they had positioned this as the network that tells the truth with a tongue in its cheek, it'd have a better chance of survival.... they'd, at least have a better chance for getting my attention. But for now, for me, this is just another sign that the Democrats are two steps behind the Republicans and aren't gaining fast.

American Idol...ok, you probably are, but still it's a great look at just how bad some singers can be and how dumb people can be and yet still operate a phone well enough to vote for the wrong people. 8 on FOX
Usually Tuesdays I would recommend Gilmore Girls as well, but they're in repeats. Call me a pansy if you like, but the writing on this show is as crisp as you are likely to find (short of Aaron Sorkin) on television. 8 on WB
24... a show that I thought would never make it past it's first great season, but it did. Got bogged down earlier this year with stupid subplots, but seems to have found it's footing again. No other show on TV keeps you guessing more and knowing less about what's going to happen (other than the fact that Jack's daughter apparently will never die... much to everyone's disappointment). 9 on FOX
Scrubs...Great, solid comedy on NBC (just about the only one they have left) Always at least one laugh out loud moment a show. 9:30 on NBC

In a stunning revelation that may have repercussions throughout the philosophical world, an Augusta, Maine man claims to have heard a tree fall in a forest while he was, himself, not actually in the area.
"Yeah, I was just sitting and watching stuff... you know," explained Gideon Neyer, "Then, way off yonder in the forest, which I wasn't in at the time, I hears this huge crash... you know, like a tree falling. I went to look and sure enough, this old tree fell."
Scientists were not surprised.
"The world is not a vacuum," says Dr. James Kelley, a Physicist with MIT. "If a tree falls, it's going to make a noise whether someone's there or not."
Philosophers, meanwhile, were in a panic. "That's bullsh*t!" exclaimed Dr. Brett Watson, a Philosophy professor at Chemeka Community College outside of Chicago. "Obviously if he heard something, he was there. If he's there, then he's going to hear something. The question only applies if he wasn't there at all."
Some in the philosophy world take an even stronger stance.
"Is anyone really here at all?" Asks Sparky Anderson, a self-employed philosopher, "And what is hearing anyway?"
Those questions were put to Dr. Kelley.
"Ok, that's just stupid."
In an emergency meeting of the World Council of Philosophy, attended by only half the members due to a schism in the group regarding the basic existence of the organization in the first place, the council decided to abandon the age old use of the phrase. The Council released this statement to the press:
"We're conceding now that a tree falling in a forest will, in fact, make a noise. We'll be suggesting to our members that they replace use of that phrase with 'Does a bear sh*t in the woods?' Hopefully this question can carry us into the next millennium."
Where does this leave David to the Philosophy world's Goliath of a question? Gideon Neyer had this to add, "Yeah, that bear thing's a good question. Had one go in my shed once, but that weren't in the woods. Good question."

Why aren't you listening to? and Why aren't you watching? These will help you get through the rigors of everday life making fewer decisions on your own. Plus, you'll finally be tuned it to things worth watching and listening to, instead of that crap you like now. We do welcome your thoughts and comments or any suggestions you might have as well.

As I understand it, everyone gets 15 minutes of fame....sadly William Hung is somewhere around 13:45 and Bill (if I can call you that) you can't get it back. Once it's gone, it's gone. On the bright side, for the sake of comedy through the next few decades, your album will be with us forever. Bang on Billy. Bang on.

Nearly 20 years after his ill-advised trip to Red China, Big Bird continues to suffer the fallout.

"You know, I felt at the time I was just trying to bring the world together. I didn't really see it as a political trip at all."

Yet the images of America's once favorite bird, dancing and singing with a host of communist children on the Great Wall of China remains an indelible image, one the bird is still trying to shake.

"I recognize now that the trip was a mistake, admittedly so was joining in the burning of Western books, attending the mass beheading of enemies of the state, speaking out in support of the Chinese government after the Tiananmen Square incident and later the release of my album, 'P is for Proletariat', but I've moved on. I wish America could too."

Former invisible friend Snuffleupagus disagrees, "He might be yellow on the outside, but that big chicken is as red as they come. Just last year he tried to organize a worker's strike on the set of Sesame Street. Oscar was on board, so was Elmo and all Bird kept doing was invoking the name of Mr. Hooper and what he would have wanted. Pissed me off like crazy."

Big Bird denies the allegations, "We were not a communist movement, just trying to get a fair wage for the workers, nothing more, Mr. Hooper always supported the idea of workers controlling the means of production and deserving a fair wage for that. I'm not a communist."

Co-worker Bert disagrees. "Bird and I were at a bar not too long ago and I'm working this one chick (cause, I'm not gay you know) and he comes over and starts saying (expletive deleted) about Karl Marx and the Cultural Revolution. This chick takes off faster than rocket. I would have kicked his (backside) but I don't fight in my chaps."

Will Big Bird ever shake the red blanket that now hangs over his career? He thinks so.

"Eventually people will put this behind them and realize I was just trying to do some good for the world." He continued, "Look, I'm not a communist ok? Just let everyone know that."

Big bird, we just did.

Today marked the 36th anniversary of the shooting of Martin Luther King Jr. First, go read Parting the Waters by Taylor Branch. It's an outstanding biography on King. Second, tell me why we no longer have leaders in this world? Maybe it's just waxing nostalgic for a time that never was, but it seems like these days we lack people with charisma who take strong ideological stands while displaying rhetorical abilities that not only engage, but inspire. Perhaps it's because our media finds the flaws in anyone who attempts such a venture and then highlights them. Maybe it's because we've become so cynical as a people that we don't have the capacity to believe in anything that might take work or a leap of faith. We'd much rather have it all handed to us on a silver platter. We've become such lemmingesque, parroting society that I wonder if anyone really thinks for themselves anymore.

As of Monday, April 4th, Chris remains unemployed leaving the John Kerry for President Campaign ecstatic.
"Recovering economy, my ass!" said a charged up Kerry. "Chris is just the kind of guy we're talking about when we're talking about people being unemployed which we often do because people are unemployed and I fought in 'Nam."
Chris, meanwhile, continues to struggle to find a job for his particular skills. When asked just what those skills were, he struggled to clarify what he characterized as "a lot of intangibles."
"I work hard...never missed a day of work due to illness in my life....very creative...I'm gifted you know..."
The Bush Administration has called into question Chris's status as one of the nation's true unemployed.
"He's a crock!" claimed one unnamed advisor to President Bush. "We're not even convinced he's gifted." The advisor then produced this transcript of a conversation Chris had in 1998 with a co-worker:
Chris: I don't know what to tell you, but that whole farting scene in Blazing Saddles had me rolling.
Unnamed Co-worker: You think that was funnier than the Dumb and Dumber scene?
Chris: (Laughing) Awww hell, I forgot that one....that was funny... hey, pull my finger...
"This is not the conversation of someone truly gifted," added the advisor. "Someone like this can get a job in Canada, but we don't have a place for them here in the United States of America."
Presidential Candidate John Kerry remains undeterred in his support for Chris and his employment status. "As long as there are people like Chris, we know we'll have the unemployment issue to hang our hats on," he added, "he's not going anywhere anytime soon."

We've reached Sunday and already readership has dwindled to a trickle. We'd like to remind you to read everyday, or more specifically, read us everyday. Also, if there's anything you'd like to see on the site, feel free to email. If you have something you'd like to contribute, whether it be about Chris or just something on your mind, feel free to email that too. Don't be surprised to find a bastardized version showing up on this very page with someone else taking credit for your work... and when you do, feel some satisfaction in a job well done.

So, go hit the streets, tell your friends and let's make this site popular and famous if for no other reason than indulging Chris, who really could use the lift. Seriously. He's in a bad way. Not to rip off National Lampoon, but I'm pretty sure if more people don't start reading Chris Magazine he might well shoot his dog... maybe even himself.... it might be a murder-suicide....though the way things are going for Chris these days it's entirely likely he'd get it backwards shooting himself first leaving a very confused dog holding a gun. Of course the cops show up, find the dog with a gun, his owner dead on the floor with a gunshot wound and draw the only conclusion one could think of... the dog did it. So then he gets taken to the vet and euthanized for being a menace and everything works out as far as the murder-suicide goes, but only the long way around.... but still... please.... read it.... tell people about it.... before something awful happens....

The Editors of Chris Magazine would like to apologize for all of the content up to this point. We're sorry.

A lot of people have written asking me "Chris, why are you doing this to us?"
Well, there is an easy answer and a complex answer. The easy answer is, to feed my enormous ego. The more complex answer is the same thing, but with bigger words and something with a hyphen.

Dear Chris Magazine,
A lot of things have gone wrong in my life recently. I feel so alone and I'm not really sure what to do anymore. I just need to know, are there really happy endings in real life or is that some some BS in the movies?
Someone Looking For Something To Hold On To Wayne, Pa.

Dear Someone Looking For Something To Hold On To,
Of course there are happy endings in real life, otherwise thousands of illicit Asian massage parlors would be out of business. Thank you for your question.

A lot going on as we head into the weekend, here are some random and not so random thoughts:

George Bush (the elder or H if you please....but not senior, for W is no junior) complained this week about some of the criticism his son has received about the way things have gone in Iraq. He said, it is "deeply offensive and contemptible" to hear "elites and intellectuals on the campaign trail" dismiss progress in Iraq since last year's overthrow of Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein. Yes, Mr. Former President, who wants to hear thoughts from the intellectuals in society? All these crazy folks with their well read opinions and educated comments... let's leave that to ill-informed fundamentalists who would no more question their leaders than be caught dead book learning anything other than the bible...and even then only with their pastor's supervision.... oh yeah, one more thing, Bush was decrying the attempted influence those "elites and intellectuals" might have on the election. Meanwhile he was busy giving this speech, in support of his son, to the National Petrochemical and Refiners Association annual convention. They, I'm sure, didn't pay him a dime for his appearance... nor would they harbor any thoughts of giving money to his son's campaign in the hopes they might gain favor for their particular interests.

There's been a great deal of hue and cry about teenagers entering the respective drafts of the NBA and NFL, bypassing college or leaving early in the hopes of pursuing their dreams of professional success. There's good reason for fearing for those kids who choose to take that route in those two sports. Neither has a minor league. This means you either succeed on the pro level or you're stuck with a whole lot of dreams and a job at the local Dairy Queen telling people how close you came to fulfilling them. It's hard to tell a young kid that unlike any other 18 year old he can't go out into the world of his chosen profession and try to make a living, but at the same time, isn't that risk of failure too great to give up the comforts of a college degree (no matter how much it wasn't truly earned) and the four years of physical and mental maturation that takes place there? The point of this brief ramble is this... Saturday, Major League Soccer opens their season as the San Jose Earthquakes take on D.C. United. Starting for United, Freddy Adu... age: 14. He's supposed to be the most talented played this country has ever produced (even though he was technically produced in Ghana). European clubs have been chasing him since he was 10 years old. Does he have the skill to play professionally at 14? Yes. Is he mentally ready? Some say yes, but we'll find out Saturday. Honestly I'm not really sure where my opinion falls on this kid. I do know this, he's graduating from High School this year, so he's no dumb athlete. After reading a bunch about him, I suspect he'll succeed, but my concern isn't really him, but what about those who follow after him?

Finally, Thursday was April Fools. I'm sure all across the country many a fine prank was perpetrated. I was asked if I played any jokes. I did not. I feel kinda stupid doing jokes on a day designated to play jokes. I feel much more satisfied punking someone on March 15th and then saying, "Dude, it's the Ides.... what did you expect?"
(Kudos to Howard Stern for pulling off a great April Fools joke...perfectly appropriate considering what he's going through right now. Copy this link to check it out... http://story.news.yahoo.com/newstmpl=story&cid=638&ncid=762&e=3&u=/nm/20040401/en_nm/media_stern_dc )

Coming up, thoughts on gay marriage, the broadcast industry, liberal radio and maybe I'll start telling you what to watch on TV and what music you should be listening to.

Dear Chris Magazine,

who is byron allen...and
what is this about mortgages, white people and moving them out of the inner
city...i had no idea...?

Signed Perplexed Canadian...

Byron Allen was one of the hosts of "Real People" back in the day and later of the "Byron Allen Show". He was then and remains today one of the whitest black men around. He's so white, I'd take Helen Keller (dead as she is) in a dance contest over him any day of the week. This is clearly a sign that the Canadians missed an important part of entertainment history. If someone has any tapes of either his show or Real People, please, send them to Canada.

As far as the mortgages are concerned... This was systematic racism that existed (and may still exist to some extent) where minorities, but especially inner-city blacks found it difficult to get approval for loans to buy houses. The most notable example of this was New York City and a man named Robert Moses. Moses, as a city official in various positions, essentially shaped the city as you see it today. He built hundreds of parks, but also he built many of the tunnels and the highways that lead to the development of the suburbs and the destruction of many of the old neighborhoods. He's a man revered and reviled for the work that he did. Moses was pretty much the most powerful man in the city for a long while and controlled everything with a nice iron fist. Moses was pretty much the architect of the decline of the inner cities, leaving them to rot while making things more convenient for those with the means to live elsewhere (read: whitey).

Dear Chris Magazine,

I totally agree with your assessment of Andrew Jackson as the stupidest
president ever. Now, because of the proliferation of ATM's that only
give out twenties, he's also the most widely circulated president. I
know that the original thought of the US Mint was to put the 'better'
guys on the lower denominations because there are more of them in
circulation. Thanks.

C.L.

I'm afraid C.L. that I must strongly disagree with your statement. Andrew Johnson, was the dumbest president we've ever had, not Andrew Jackson. Jackson was a war hero and he also engineered the Trail of Tears, moving thousands of Native Americans from their homes in Florida and Georgia to the comforts of Oklahoma. Without this, the thousands of fans rooting for the Florida State Seminoles and Atlanta Braves would have to contend with annoying protestors every time they started the tomahawk chop. Also, I'd like to point out the forgotten altruistic gesture by the United States government, when they graciously moved the Indians from Oklahoma after oil was discovered there. It would have been quite a burden for those poor savages to drill, pipe, refine and sell that icky black stuff. And plus, what would they have done with that money anyway...buy blankets not infected with smallpox? Please...thank god for our policies on the Native Americas.

Dear Chris Magazine,
I often find myself drawn to married men or guys with girlfriends, what should I do?

Julie

This is a tough question that we get a lot here. The obvious answer is, run away. If these guys really wanted to be with you they'd leave whomever they are with and come get you. You deserve much better than being second. That said, if this question is aimed specifically at the author, I would suggest sending money to win me over. It's possible that if you keep this up for the next 20 or 30 years it could really pay off for you. Send cash please... no personal checks.