Chris Magazine

For years we've heard how "knowing is half the battle." An important fact certainly, but not the whole story for if knowing is half, what's the other half? Thanks to a new tell-all book from Dr. Jackson Ozark, the Stanford Physicist, the other half is revealed. We met with Ozark at a local coffee house:

CM: Mr. Ozark....
JO: Doctor....
CM: Doctor?
JO: I'm a doctor. It's Dr. Ozark.
CM: Mind if I call you Jack?
JO: But I'm Dr. Ozark!
CM: Look, Jack...you're kind of a whiner...Tell me about the battle, if knowing is half...
JO: Actually it's not even half, it's more like 35 percent.
CM: I see. What's the rest then? Isn't that what the world has been waiting for?
JO: Yes. You see, it's complicated...
CM: Could you put it in laymen's terms for us?
JO: Will you call me Dr. Ozark?
CM: Will you dumb it down if I call you Dr. Ozark?
JO: Will you call me Dr. Ozark?
CM: Look Jack, how about I beat you with your title?
JO: Munitions.
CM: Munitions? Knowing is half the battle, munitions are the other half?
JO: Knowing is about 35 percent, munitions are about 63 percent.
CM: You had to dumb down munitions? That's not a complex word Jack.
JO: I just wanted some respect.
CM: You'd get more respect if your math added up to 100, what's the other 2 percent Jack?
JO: Billy Blank's Pilates Workout.
After that final revelation, our reporter smacked Dr. Ozark around and took his lunch money. Dr. Ozark told Chris Magazine later, "I knew that was going to happen."

Sadly, as true as that might have been, since he had neither a gun nor Billy Blank's Pilates Workout, Ozark had even less than half the battle in hand.