Chris Magazine

Reports are in the Barbie has found herself a new boyfriend, his name, sadly, is Blaine. It's hard to say why Barbie is always drawn to gay men. Perhaps it's the fact that she's scared of relationships that might work? Maybe she just wants someone to shop with? For whatever reason, it's clear once again that Barbie has jumped into another long term relationship that will only end in heartache, scandal and a lot of money lost on her boyfriend's blonde highlights.

Scientists in Britain have finally found something we've all been waiting on... the answer to the question "What does T-Rex's breath smell like?" or rather what would it smell like were he still alive?

Check out the story here.

Somewhere I'm sure there is a Paleontologist very aroused by the story, but I'm pretty sure there must be at least one other thing of greater importance somewhere that they could have been working on.

Heard a news report today....

The lead was "Saddam Huessein could soon be in the hands of the new Iraqi government, although the US will still retain physical possession of the former dictator."

How is that turning him over?

I'm going to give you a million dollars....congratulations...although the physical possession of the million will remain in my account and you aren't allowed access....you can start your party anytime now.

I was eating lunch at the park today. There were these three blonde kids playing with each other, I believe they were siblings (probably still are).

One of them, the oldest, asked the middle child if he was going to do something, I don't recall just what.

The middle child responded,"No, I'm going to take off my thing and then I'm going to pee on a tree."

He proceeded to unzip the outfit he was wearing, pull down his pants, turn towards a tree and urinate.

Did it with no reservations and only 20 feet away from a restroom. His mother was sitting comfortably another 20 feet away reading a book. I would have applauded his bold move had it not been soiled later when the oldest child handed me a flyer announcing that the peeing had been part of a performance art piece commenting on the Bush Administration's treatment of the environment. To me, that was pretty pretentious for a six year old, but maybe that's just me.

Dear Chris Magazine,
Is Bush a liar or what?
Fearing For My Country
Ashland, Oregon

Dear Fearing,
It's clear from your question that you are biased against our poor President. You have been influenced by the evil liberal media which is once again pushing it's anti-American, anti-family, anti-worker agenda. President Bush is no more a liar than you or me. He is the victim of the media and the Democrats twisting his words and the quality information that the White House is trying to disseminate to the American public.

For example, when he declared "Mission accomplished" on the aircraft carrier, it was well known that he meant specifically, mission accomplished for the Naval Chef Corps 201 who had provided the buffet lunch that day. But the evil left wing media jumped on the story, took the words out of context and all of a sudden Bush looks like a moron declaring victory in a war that was clearly just getting underway.

Another good example is the "relationship" claims between Iraq and Bin Laden. While Bush might have said something to the effect that Iraq was in league with "terrorists" and Cheney said that there were clear ties to Bin Laden. Now, everyone knows that what they meant was that there was only the loosest relationship between the two. Much like that time in college when G.W. liked this Kappa Kappa Gamma girl so he started calling her all the time. Sometimes she'd tell him to "go to hell", other times she just didn't return his phone calls. This "relationship" went on for two years. Once again, the liberal media jumped on this and said that just because Iraq didn't answer any of the requests from Bin Laden that there wasn't a relationship, but if that's the case my first three girlfriends and I didn't have a relationship. Also, my relationship with Annie Potts of Designing Women would also be null and void, but I've got the piece of paper with my name on it that she wrote herself...Admittedly it was delivered to me by a judge, but that's because she was shy.

More recently the Democrats have accused the Bush administration of lying when it came to their report on terror. When he first report was made showing terrorism had dropped across the board since 2001, Bush heralded it as a triumph for his "War on Terror". Now that they've revised it using actually figures and the numbers have gone up, the liberals are once again claiming Bush used those false figured to show that his "war" was succeeding knowing the figures were wrong, just like with that Medicaid bill that he got passed with the wrong numbers. This might seem wrong, but everyone knows that those numbers were produced and then distorted by the media. Check his speeches, not once did Bush claim any of these numbers or figures were hard and fast. The liberal media chose to take his words that way and then report it as gospel.

As you can see, Bush is just another honest politician, looking out for the working man and Christians and under assault from the un-American liberal media just looking to protect the fascists and communists and Muslims.

So my wife is angry at me. She said there was something important. Something really big going on. She said she needed to talk to me alone... so I left.
Now I'm not sure why she's so angry.I was simply bowing to her wishes. Anybody understand this? I could use a little help here.

Sorry I've been busy over the last two days seeking a way to petition my way out of this, but it is with great regrets that I must step away from my run for the presidency.

While my opponents failed to find any good dirt on me, they did manage to point out that at the age of 33 I am not yet entitled, under terms put forth in the constitution, to run for president.

While I am disappointed, I have decided to keep your donations as a gift and will be purchasing a 126 inch HD flat screen television and an H2. I'm hoping that these will alleviate some of the pain and anguish I feel at having my dreams crushed once again by an unjust government.

I will continue my vigilance in pointing out the failings of my opponents in our quest to find the best candidate for our president.

Chris in '08!

Just one day after President Bush once again asserted that there was a connection between Iraq and al-queda, the 9/11 commission stated pretty definitively that there was none. A new poll showed that after that last statement only 60% of Americans still believe that Iraq was involved with Bin Laden and the 9/11 attack.
This must be because the Bush Administration has yet to give us a reason not to trust them... right?

Vote Chris '04!

I just got back on a brief vacation to Greece. Much to my dismay, the Acropolis there has no naked woman at all, nor a $3 all you can eat steak breakfast. In fact, the guide there denied any connection with the strip joint here in town and said that the Acropolis was never an adult entertainment venue. It's just as well, the poles there were huge and would have been hard for even the most skilled dancer to hold onto.

George W. Bush has declared victory in the war on terror in Afghanastan.
"Coalition forces, including many brave Afghans, have brought America, Afghanistan and the world its first victory in the war on terror," the president said. "Afghanistan is no longer a terrorist factory sending thousands of killers into the world."

A short while later in the Afghan capital city of Kabul, NATO forces came under fire Tuesday when at least one rocket exploded outside their headquarters. One soldier suffered non-lifethreatening injuries, officials said.

About 20,000 U.S. troops and more than 6,000 ISAF peacekeepers have been involved in almost daily gunfights with members of al Qaeda and the ousted Taliban leadership, who appear intent on disrupting elections for the Afghan Constitutional Assembly planned for September.

Those attacks are no longer to be considered terrorist actions, but rather domestic disruptions. Terrorism is no more! I tried waving my flag to celebrate, but sadly since it was still at half mast it got caught up in an adjacent holly tree so I had to burn it. Sadly for me it was still tangled in the tree, which sits next to my house and a small fire erupted resulting in the local fire company needing to be called. Insurance should cover most of the damage, but I'll never get that flag back... or the holly tree for that matter.

I decided to make a change in my life this morning, then I realized I can't do anything until Bow Wow Wow and Bananarama both reform and go out on tour together. Since this has yet to happen, I can't move on. It's sad. Very Sad.

Watched the news tonight (and don't get me started on that) but the weather graphics and animations are now so good and complex that after I was done watching all the pretty colors and clouds and rain and sun I realized that I had no idea what the forcast was for tomorrow. Damn them.

Found this link on Dave Barry's website. Don't know if it's real or not. Not sure that matters.

Dear Chris Magaine
I'm not saying I did, but if I did happen to run over my family's dog, what should I do? Do I confess? Do I dispose of the body and say he ran away? Help!
Canine Ciller
Des Moines, Iowa

Dear Ciller,

You could confess, but then your family would hate you. We don't recommend that. Save that for the time you bring home the 15 year old pregnant girl. In our experience it's good to have your family still in your back pocket for occassions such as that.

As for disposing of the body... that's lots of work and plus, if the dog has one of those chips, you'd have to dig that out first...it's a mess. Forget that.

Our advice is to first get an electric blanket to keep the body warm until you can dispose of it. Next, find the nicest person in the neighborhood (preferably someone who is Jewish or Catholic) and place the dog tightly under the backside of the right front passenger tire. Then wait. Because this is the nice person and of a relgion that breeds guilt, they will take responsibility for the death. They won't even know how it happened and logically couldn't explain it if they had to, but being nice and guilty will win out. As for you, go home, weep with the family and feel relieved.

Watching the show. Much better this year since they allowed more established comics into the fold, but I still feel like I can hang with at least some of them. Here are my openers....

Growing up only moderately weathly on the east coast was tough... sometimes when the Democrats were in office, we'd only get three or four courses with our meals.

People think that because we had money growing up my parents were soft on me. No way. They lived to nail me and getting punished sucked. I remember once, when I took out my parent's Bentley without their permission my butler was grounded for almost two weeks.

That's a lie....after they grounded him he quit.

Actually my parents were pretty harsh with punishments. There was one time I blew off some event my folks wanted me to go to so they kicked me out of the house. Let me tell you this, the guest house bed was only a twin and the tv was maybe 32 inches at best. But it wasn't all bad. It was times like that, when I had to really rough it, that helped me understand how poorer lower upper class people had to live. Valuable life lessons.

In a rather interesting turn of events, Chris's winning ticket was not so winning after all. Chris, showing a distinct lack of understanding of how a lottery works merely held a ticket that had none of the requisite six matching numbers and therefore is left with nothing. Earlier today Chris called and attempted to reconcile with Chris Magazine to no avail.
"I believe he said something to the effect of 'fu*k* off' to us yesterday and that he didn't need us. We thought about it and we agreed." said one disgruntled editor. "Look up punk ass bitch in the dictionary and see who's picture it next to it."
His wife harbored similar sentiments, "I think Chris said he didn't need me if he had $23 million dollars. When he asked to come home, I told him that was true and I suggested that he find his sorry as $22 million dollars because that's about the level that I'll feel comfortable having him in my home again.
His 13 month old daughter merely reached into her mouth and offered him a partially digested cheezit.
Chris apparently wanted to make a public apology and we agree that one is probably warranted, but after we suggested he hit the streets and start yelling, he threw a rock at our offices. Chris is currently being served with a restraining order and he's remains poor. Poor, old and awkward. Also, Chris seems to get a lot of "spam" aimed at men with small genitalia. We're not suggested that he has a small penis, but where there's smoke there's often a small penis.

In an amazing turn of events Chris has found himself the holder of a winning lottery ticket worth $23.5 million dollars. When asked how his new riches might change him, Chris responded a bit curtly, "F**k off bitch, I don't need you anymore. I don't need anyone. I'm gonna get me some people and then those people are gonna get me a starlet or a supermodel or something!"
When asked about his current wife and small child, Chris was direct with his answer. "Who? Hello! I've got $23.5 million dollars... I don't need no wife or baby to hold me back. I've been living this destitute life long enough... do you realize that my cell phone doesn't even have a color screen... jesus, my satellite dish and television aren't even HD ready. I am done with that sh*t!"
Chris expects to receive the big fake check Thursday and hope to cash it on Friday. He plans to be in the Swiss Alps this weekend with a yet to be determined new girlfriend.

47 hours? I do that on a regular weekend. This is bullsh*t.



British Spud Becomes Couch Potato Stud

LOS ANGELES (Zap2it.com) - Couch potatoes bow down. You have a new ruler. Tom Gibson, a British IT support technician, broke the world record for consecutive television viewing, when he tuned in for 47 hours, five minutes and 20 seconds late last week.

Gibson broke his record in public view, watching on a platform in Kensington. He was sponsored in his record breaking run by HomeChoice, a digital TV, video-on-demand and internet services provider.

The previous record was set four years ago by four men -- Nick Tungett, Adam King, Stephen Hayes and Sam Beatson. Gibson quit after exceeding their record by slightly over five minutes.


"I could have stayed on for quite a while longer," he told the British press. "I could probably have made it to 50 hours. But when they suggested I finish because I had broken the record, I was more than happy to stop. There seemed no point in continuing."
During his run, Gibson alternated between scripted television programs like "EastEnders" and "ER" and feature films like "Analyze That." He was allowed 15 minute loo breaks every eight hours and thus had to restrict his fluid intake. According to The Edgware Times, Gibson lost more than nine pounds during his ordeal.

In addition to the glory of knowing that he set a world record that will be broken the next time a cable company wants to run a promotion, Gibson won 5000 quid in home entertainment equipment.

Jennifer Lopez is finally married. She and singer Marc Anthony were wed in a secret ceremony (though I understand they were both made aware beforehand). I don't know why, but I just get the feeling this one's gonna last. Sometimes you can just tell when it's true love. I'd bet the farm on this one. I feel as confident about this as I did about Birdstone beating out Smarty Jones by a nose.

Former actor and president Ronald Reagan passed away today. He was 93. Despite suffereing from Alzheimers he was still the oldest lived president in our history. He was an important president, though I'm not so sure he was truly a great one. History will tell.
Thus far I've been waiting for my call to attend his funeral. It seems only right with me being a candidate for the presidency.

Just what in the hell was a cradle doing on a tree top in the first place? Of course it fell, but someone should really look into who was responsible for putting it in such a precarious position. If elected I'll start a congressional inquiry.

Vote Chris in '04

The Thirsty Traveler on Fine Living. The host has the best job in the world. He travels to exotic places and drinks. He goes to Jamaica and has Rum, he goes to Russia and drinks Vodka. He heads to Tennessee and sips Jack Daniels (ok, maybe not everywhere is exotic, but it all looks exotic when it spins like that).
The show is on various times, but always worth a look at a person living the lifestyle most of us can only dream of...

As part of my platform to help bring the country closer together, I will propose bringing back the Blue Laws. It's time to make Sunday a day of rest again. Go have a picnic, or see a movie or a baseball game. Spend time with friends and family or do something within the community, but there will no longer be working (with certain exceptions and double time for those that do.)

Vote Chris in '04

There is an anger beginning to swell in me and I expect it will boil over soon in the form of a long post, but for now, this message:

Stop using the fucking American flag like it's the curtain protecting the Wizard!

I saw a quote today from Mary Matlin. It's in an article that has raised questions about the no-bid awarding of the Iraq contract to Halliburton. A Democratic senator has asked for an investigation. The Republican leadership has declined the request saying it's unnecessary. Here's her defense...

"This is a politicizing of Halliburton, which is a shame," said Mary Matalin, a former Cheney aide now working as a senior Bush-Cheney campaign adviser.

"Halliburton itself has lost close to three dozen workers over there in Iraq," Matalin told NBC's Today show. "I mean, just let it go."

They've lost three dozen workers for the cause... I guess that makes anything that might have been done wrong ok then? This is crap. Mostly she's saying "wait, don't look behind the flag, look over there with the bright lights and pretty colors!"

It's about time someone pulled that flag down so we could get a good look!

Chris in O4!