Saturday, June 12, 2004
Answering Your Questions
Dear Chris Magaine
I'm not saying I did, but if I did happen to run over my family's dog, what should I do? Do I confess? Do I dispose of the body and say he ran away? Help!
Canine Ciller
Des Moines, Iowa
Dear Ciller,
You could confess, but then your family would hate you. We don't recommend that. Save that for the time you bring home the 15 year old pregnant girl. In our experience it's good to have your family still in your back pocket for occassions such as that.
As for disposing of the body... that's lots of work and plus, if the dog has one of those chips, you'd have to dig that out first...it's a mess. Forget that.
Our advice is to first get an electric blanket to keep the body warm until you can dispose of it. Next, find the nicest person in the neighborhood (preferably someone who is Jewish or Catholic) and place the dog tightly under the backside of the right front passenger tire. Then wait. Because this is the nice person and of a relgion that breeds guilt, they will take responsibility for the death. They won't even know how it happened and logically couldn't explain it if they had to, but being nice and guilty will win out. As for you, go home, weep with the family and feel relieved.
I'm not saying I did, but if I did happen to run over my family's dog, what should I do? Do I confess? Do I dispose of the body and say he ran away? Help!
Canine Ciller
Des Moines, Iowa
Dear Ciller,
You could confess, but then your family would hate you. We don't recommend that. Save that for the time you bring home the 15 year old pregnant girl. In our experience it's good to have your family still in your back pocket for occassions such as that.
As for disposing of the body... that's lots of work and plus, if the dog has one of those chips, you'd have to dig that out first...it's a mess. Forget that.
Our advice is to first get an electric blanket to keep the body warm until you can dispose of it. Next, find the nicest person in the neighborhood (preferably someone who is Jewish or Catholic) and place the dog tightly under the backside of the right front passenger tire. Then wait. Because this is the nice person and of a relgion that breeds guilt, they will take responsibility for the death. They won't even know how it happened and logically couldn't explain it if they had to, but being nice and guilty will win out. As for you, go home, weep with the family and feel relieved.
