Tuesday, April 06, 2004
Man Hears Tree Falls in Forest
In a stunning revelation that may have repercussions throughout the philosophical world, an Augusta, Maine man claims to have heard a tree fall in a forest while he was, himself, not actually in the area.
"Yeah, I was just sitting and watching stuff... you know," explained Gideon Neyer, "Then, way off yonder in the forest, which I wasn't in at the time, I hears this huge crash... you know, like a tree falling. I went to look and sure enough, this old tree fell."
Scientists were not surprised.
"The world is not a vacuum," says Dr. James Kelley, a Physicist with MIT. "If a tree falls, it's going to make a noise whether someone's there or not."
Philosophers, meanwhile, were in a panic. "That's bullsh*t!" exclaimed Dr. Brett Watson, a Philosophy professor at Chemeka Community College outside of Chicago. "Obviously if he heard something, he was there. If he's there, then he's going to hear something. The question only applies if he wasn't there at all."
Some in the philosophy world take an even stronger stance.
"Is anyone really here at all?" Asks Sparky Anderson, a self-employed philosopher, "And what is hearing anyway?"
Those questions were put to Dr. Kelley.
"Ok, that's just stupid."
In an emergency meeting of the World Council of Philosophy, attended by only half the members due to a schism in the group regarding the basic existence of the organization in the first place, the council decided to abandon the age old use of the phrase. The Council released this statement to the press:
"We're conceding now that a tree falling in a forest will, in fact, make a noise. We'll be suggesting to our members that they replace use of that phrase with 'Does a bear sh*t in the woods?' Hopefully this question can carry us into the next millennium."
Where does this leave David to the Philosophy world's Goliath of a question? Gideon Neyer had this to add, "Yeah, that bear thing's a good question. Had one go in my shed once, but that weren't in the woods. Good question."
"Yeah, I was just sitting and watching stuff... you know," explained Gideon Neyer, "Then, way off yonder in the forest, which I wasn't in at the time, I hears this huge crash... you know, like a tree falling. I went to look and sure enough, this old tree fell."
Scientists were not surprised.
"The world is not a vacuum," says Dr. James Kelley, a Physicist with MIT. "If a tree falls, it's going to make a noise whether someone's there or not."
Philosophers, meanwhile, were in a panic. "That's bullsh*t!" exclaimed Dr. Brett Watson, a Philosophy professor at Chemeka Community College outside of Chicago. "Obviously if he heard something, he was there. If he's there, then he's going to hear something. The question only applies if he wasn't there at all."
Some in the philosophy world take an even stronger stance.
"Is anyone really here at all?" Asks Sparky Anderson, a self-employed philosopher, "And what is hearing anyway?"
Those questions were put to Dr. Kelley.
"Ok, that's just stupid."
In an emergency meeting of the World Council of Philosophy, attended by only half the members due to a schism in the group regarding the basic existence of the organization in the first place, the council decided to abandon the age old use of the phrase. The Council released this statement to the press:
"We're conceding now that a tree falling in a forest will, in fact, make a noise. We'll be suggesting to our members that they replace use of that phrase with 'Does a bear sh*t in the woods?' Hopefully this question can carry us into the next millennium."
Where does this leave David to the Philosophy world's Goliath of a question? Gideon Neyer had this to add, "Yeah, that bear thing's a good question. Had one go in my shed once, but that weren't in the woods. Good question."
