Chris Magazine

In my position as Predidential Candidate, I feel like I need now to offer advice on any number of topic, even if that advice wasn't specifically solicited from me.

Today as I was walking my dog, a young girl of maybe eight or nine, was overheard saying, "This is too high! I need to get off! This is hurting my vagina!"

Now I'm not an expert, but I have now surrounded myself with experts and we huddled up and came to the conclusion that any time you find yourself saying those words, cease whatever activity you are doing at the moment and seek help to rectify the situation. In this specific case I would have recommended that the young lady in question, get off her bike and lower the seat a notch or two. Much like my opponents in this race for the White House, the girl raised the question, but sought to tough it out and kept riding. This, of course, will lead to more serious problems later.

I am the kind of candidate who sees a problem and wants to take care of it now. We need to solve our problems of our country today for a happier and healthier tomorrow.

Vote Chris in '04!

I'm not much of one for conspiracy theories but let's be honest, when Humpty Dumpty fell off the wall, someone called all the king's horses and all the king's men, but no one thought to call a physician. Seems like someone didn't want poor Humpty put back together again.

This was revealed to me on Sunday night... rum is cool.

Chris Magazine, on this fine holiday, asks that you support all our soldiers, alive and dead, by hitting the stores and memorializing.

"After no consultation with my family, nor any advisors of any kind, I have decided that the time has come to throw my hat into the ring, I will run for President of the United States of America."

With those words, Chris officially announced his candidacy for President, joining such luminaries as Ralph Nader, George W. Bush, John Kerry and Lyndon LaRouche. It was quite a surprise to see the unemployed 33 year old joining the political fray.

As far as Chris Magazine has been able to surmise, Chris has no experience in politics, nor finance, foreign policy, raising capital, dressing nice or being cordial to people he dislikes.

When asked if he thought those negatives alone might be a reason not to run, Chris was quick to jump into the political fight, "You think I couldn't have screwed up Iraq as well as Bush did? Do you really think I can't change my mind on every issue and then when given the opportunity to make a strong stand about something, instead offer a centrist platitude like John Kerry? Do you really think I couldn't... well I'm not really sure what Nader does, but whatever it is, I could do it. I'm ready to go. I'm kicking everyone's ass this time and I'm taking names!"

When asked just what that last statement meant, Chris admitted he didn't know, but wanted to appear as a strong, take no prisoners kind of candidate.

The other candidates were taken by surprise by the announcement and none of the other camps were willing to make a comment.

Chris is expected to flesh out his platform over the next couple of days.

An absolutely monsterously huge announcement will be coming to Chris Magazine tomorrow. This is the kind of thing that can bring down an empire and change a nation. Stay tuned.

Dear Chris Magazine,
What are your five favorite movies of all time and why?
Person Who Wants to Know
Augusta, Maine

Dear Person,
In no particular order...

1. The Trouble With Harry/North by Northwest/ Rear Window
Hitchcock was a genius, doing things in movies that no one had ever thought of before. Not only that he was fat, bald and appeared in all of his films. I like a lot of his films and while I have deep affection for his earlier (pre-Hollywood)works like Foreign correspondent and The 39 Steps, I think these three are a good representation of his films.

2. Robin Hood/ Captain Blood
This would be the Errol Flynn version of Robin Hood, not the horror which was the Kevin Costner film. Flynn was the consummate swashbuckling star and the movies are just flat out entertaining.

3. Casablanca
A good Hollywood film minus the Hollywood ending. Makes me want to drink Vichy wine every time I watch.

4.Four Little Girls
Documentary by Spike Lee. You can hate Spike's movies for their shortcomings (and there are many) but this documentary about four young black girls killed in a bombing in 1964 hits home in so many ways.
(Along with this try Boycott-- it was a film on HBO last year about the Selma bus boycott led by Martin Luther King.

5.Saving Private Ryan
It really was an incredible film. A anti-war war film. Speilberg didn't clean up anything in this film and the finished product is reflective of that, wonderful, moving, horrific and sad, heroic and tragic. That said, I don't ever want to see it again.
(I would highly recommend Band of Brothers, the HBO miniseries. It's really a companion piece to Saving Private Ryan and works on many of the same levels.)

There are a ton more movies, but these are the first five things that came to mind. If y'all want more, just ask and I'll work on it.

Chris Magazine would like to apologize for a dearth of posts in recent days on anything of substance. We're afraid that mom is in town and she's been passive/agressiving us into the ground, robbing us of our usually cynicism and comical insights.

Today I mentioned hitting my baby as a means of getting her in line. She said that it'd be wrong to hit her. I noted that she used to take a wooden spoon to my butt. She pointed out that was only done because I was ugly and stupid and my baby is smart and pretty.

Touche.

I take back what I said about the NHL. The Flyers lost today. Sure, Tampa Bay was the better team throughout the season and in four of the seven games of the series, but still....ahh well there's always next year... oh wait, these morons are going to lockout...nevermind.... there's always ESPN Classic.

Here are the top five google searches that have landed people at Chris Magazine.

1. Chris Magazine
2. Can I watch the guy who was beheaded
3. Hard Plastic Pools
4. Lemons to lemonade
5. Jeff Schott

All of these, of course, easily explainable as either being the title of the page or topics I have covered, but for number 5. I do not know Jeff Schott, I've never mentioned Jeff Schott. I've never even spoken about Marge Schott, the former owner of the Cincinnati Reds. What makes this an even sicker, M.C. Escher type post is that now I have mentioned Jeff Schott, four times now. And so to search for Jeff Schott (five) and come up with Chris Magazine isn't that much of a stretch at all.

I'm a bit of a nervous wreck at the moment as The Flyers have taken their series against Tampa Bay to game seven. Tampa has been the better team, more consistent in all aspects of the game, but the Flyers have found ways to win. In fact, I think a Tampa/Calgary cup match-up would be fun as hell to watch, but I can't give up on my team. I have no idea how game seven will turn out, but it should be entertaining. Until then, I will remain emotionally unbalanced. If you see me, hug me and slip a $20 in my back pocket. That will help immensely.
Go Flyers! (Please, for the love of god...pray people! Pray!)

A lot of people see Chris Magazine as being all about the fun. It's not, sometimes it's about people with bladder dysfunctions.
Read This
I hope everyone will take a second look at people who are having problems peeing and offer a hand. Sometimes, talking helps, or maybe a little supportive cheer. Whatever it takes to get the job done. Remember you could be helping someone keep a job or you could help prevent Kidney damage. Shy bladders happen to everyone, not me, or anyone I know of course, but other people of lesser quality. If you see them in the street, call out their name and identify their problem because sometimes shy bladders just need help breaking out of their shell. We'll do this and more because we care. We here at Chris Magazine are here to help.

For anyone interested, you might like to know that you cannot sell a baby on Ebay, even if it's a perfectly healthy white one.

Was driving today and saw a billboard that read:

"Closets should only be for coats."

I thought to myself, if that's true, where do I punish my kids?

Chris Magazine has recieved yet another award from the internet community, this time it's the Most Promising Improvement And Development For A Blog Written In English Originating In The Pacific Northwest from disingenuousinternetawards.com. We'd like to thank everyone who voted, Bhahma, Vishnu, Zeus, Kelly Clarkson, Mom, The Philadelphia Flyers Hockey Club, Madeleine Albright, Umberto Eco, Martin Gilbert, XTC, Stuff Magazine and all the other nominees... there are no losers tonight, excepting those other nominees who did not win themselves.

What's the maximum number of strikeouts attainable by a pitcher in a regulation major league baseball game? Feel free to leave your answers in the comments section. Good luck. Winner gets a piece of that sumpin'sumpin' that I will break off personally.

A good reminder, as we celebrate the 50th anniversary of the landmark case, that we are not far from our own embaressing history of opression. A deep, dark history that still nips at us from behind. Some fear not enough has been done, but it is changing. All one has to do is look at the children today, the biases that were there even 20 years ago are falling away and will do so with each successive generation. Legislative change comes with a vote, societal change takes generations. This isn't to say that the fight is over. Ignorance is not something that can be legistlated out of people. There will always be those that seek to put others down, that seek to place themselves high atop a pedastal and we might be mindful of such people. Sometimes they speak with compelling language, or come in forms that we would embrace, but vigilance, unity and a determined push for the truth will defeat the fools that seek to divide us.
"Never feat the fight, fear the consequences of losing."

To the person who lost a prosthetic leg on I-5 in Portland today, it's just on the east side of the Marqum Bridge heading southbound. It was so sad to see such a thing. Just a lone plastic leg with a sock and sneaker in search of a stub to match. One half in search of it's match, like lost lovers, except it was a prosthetic leg.

Dear Chris Magazine,
I'm thinking about checking out some pornography and I was wondering what the magazine's take was on the issue? I'm worried that if I look at it I'll turn into some sort of a crazed rapist and what about my soul? Also, if you think it's ok, do you have any recommendations?
Curious But Frightened
Topeka, Kansas

Dear Curious,
Your question set off a furious battle here in the Chris Magazine offices. There was a great debate over whether pornography was simply a good sexual aide or was demeaning or degrading to women. The answer we finally came up with was both and so we say go for it. As far as recommendations go, we're huge fans of the pregnant teen virgins. Always so hot and yet oxymoronic. Enjoy.

First here's a recap of the question asked and how it was answered by Tiffany and Kyle...

Chris asks you, in his position as Mentor, to do something illegal and clearly unethical, do you
A) Ask no further questions, perform the task and speak no more about it
B) Doubt whether you should be a part of something like this
C) Call the authorities
D) Perform the task, but take ample notes to help writing your tell all book later.

Tiffany answered:
This is a tough one. I'm gonna have to say B and D....and as far as the tell-all book goes, I'd change your name to protect your identity and share the profits because chapter 8 probably wouldn't exist without having performed said illegal activity.

Kyle answered:
None of the above. I'd perform the task, but plant an incredible amount of evidence around that you did it. Then I'd blackmail you for the rest of your life.

Kyle answered the question correctly so Tiffany is the Winner! Confused? Don't be. Clearly Kyle doesn't need my help as Mentor while Tiffany has much to learn. The tell-all book is great and everything, but who knows if it will sell? Blackmail is like a good annuity, Kyle was really thinking on this one.

So Tiffany, congratulations you are the winner of The Mentor. As a result you'll have Chris as a mentor for up to six months plus you take home 1,528.21 Hungarian Forints to use as you wish. It must be such a proud and happy day for you.

We'll announce our contestant's answers the to second task question and the winner on Friday. We would have done it tonight, but we didn't want to compete with Survivor and the Fraiser finally. We figure we can handle Joan of Arcadia.

Rush Limbaugh has lashed out at the media in West Palm Beach (where he lives) claiming that they won't let him "get his side of the story out." Now, the papers say they have repeatedly asked him for interviews and comments on the stories about him, but he has rejected all requests.

At this point he hasn't really denied any of the facts in the case other than his maid buying drugs for him, but he's intimated that there's more to it, but won't tell anyone about it.

That said, it's clear after doing some research on the case that this is just another example of the wealthy media trying to keep a wealthy drug addled white man down. Sad whenever it happens.

I think it's just jumped the shark. I'm not going to accuse America of racism, I'm not sure the overall audience is smart enough for that, but what's the point of a talent contest to find the best singer when the performers aren't judged on their vocal abilities.

Much of the talk the last day or two has been of the American beheaded in Iraq. It's an awful, awful thing. It's an unspeakable atrocity, especially for his parents who probably didn't need a public airing of the horrific way their son died. That said, I'm getting sick of hearing all the public officials decrying what was done. It's understood that it's awful and something no one should have to suffer at any time, but as those same people have stated many times, we're at war.

They may try their best to stop certain images from coming to the public from abroad, they might put a ban on pictures of our dead soldiers returning, but that doesn't hide the fact that in wars people die and it's rarely clean.

Was what happened to that man something extreme? Of course it was, but in the same breath don't be under the mistaken impression that we're killing them in some nice, humanitarian way. We're not sneaking up on them at night, covering their mouths with chlorophorm soaked cloths and then killing them by means of the painless lethal injection. They are being shot, stabbed and blown up. Some die quickly, some linger in terrible pain and agony and some simply have the life slip away from them like a slow moving tide.

Should you feel sympathy for these people... that's up to you, but don't claim indignation with the way they choose to kill us. If this offends you, good. Go suit up, head over and try to stop them or maybe go to Washington and try to stop the war. Either way don't think that just because Fox News throws a nice patriotic musical medley behind our bombings or that because you don't see the bodies that they are all coming back looking peacefully unscathed and that this is a humane war.

This is not about humanity.

This is war.

So, I've been asked about the whole prisoner abuse issue over the last couple of weeks, but have been withholding comment until I was able to hear a bit more in the way of details. I've heard enough now. I mean that. I've heard plenty and I'm pissed off.

George W. has set a number of dangerous precedents with his international policy. His treating the Guantanamo Bay prisoners as enemy combatants (which is one of the biggest load of crap technical terms made up in the last half century) created an air of disrespect in the rest of the world as we suspended the rights of these people, rights we triumph to the rest of the world, all in the name of seeking justice.

Leeway was given when the decision was first made because it was all done as a part of the US response to the September 11th attacks. The problem is that it's 3 years later, those people are still being held they still haven't seen lawyers nor have many of them been told a specific reason why they are being held. More importantly is how are they helping us in this "war against terror". This isn't to say that some of them might be helping, but keeping them under an air of secrecy certainly raises some questions.

The second, more dangerous precedent, was that of preemptive self-defense. (This would have been the biggest load of crap term of the last half century but for the fact that it's oxymoronic and so nonsensical it didn't qualify.) There's no such thing as preemptive self-defense. Short of you being psychic, there's no way to know whether someone will strike you first until they do. Along with all the other (now known to be inaccurate) reason we went into Iraq, the idea that Saddam might someday once again become a threat to the United States, even though he never directly was, is the worst of the lot. Short of one failed assassination attempt on the first president Bush, Saddam mostly has spent the last decade taking pot shots at planes he can't hit flying in the no-fly zone. He wasn't an imminent danger in any way. This logic that was used was akin to John Doe, walking into a bar, turning to the guy sitting next to him and beating the living hell out of him claiming, 8 to 10 more beers and he was going to get belligerent. "If I hadn't preemptively struck, he would have hit me first."

This preemptive self-defense actually creates a justification for the al Qaida 9/11 attacks. Think about it. We'd been after Osama for years, he was simply preemptively defending himself before we could get to him. In fact, the whole theory gives license to anyone who thinks that the United States might disagree with them at some point to attack at our interest abroad and here at home. Might as well get us before we get them because that's how we operate now. You don't have to do a thing, we're coming to get you.

This all leads to the last precedent, the worst of the three; Our self decreed moral authority. Americans have long held the theory that we are better than everyone else. Everywhere we go, we take this attitude with us. Often it's something drawn from a spiritual place. Bush even said in one of his speeches that he believes we're in Iraq on authority from God. This is all well and good but for one thing. You can't climb up on a pedestal and piss on people without them trying to knock you off. I'd love to believe that we are a morally superior people, but we aren't. We're just people. There are good people and bad people in the United States. We see examples of this every day. We have no right to the moral superiority, but the problem we have is that our avarice is so great that we can't see our flaws. Our mirror has no glass, it's got a life-size photoshopped picture with a halo.

Abu Ghraib prison was a palace of torture for Saddam Hussein's regime, when we took it over, the assumption was that while we might still house prisoners there they would be treated with respect or at least under the accords of the Geneva Convention. This was not the case. This was far from the case and frankly, who's at fault is still up for grabs. Those seven soldiers will be prosecuted and found guilty no doubt, but that won't answer the questions. If we're truly morally superior, how does something like this happen? We don't do things like this. But we do.

The rest of the world knows this, or at least believed this to be true. It's a call that has been resounding throughout the Middle East for years. It's one of the reasons we're so hated. Now, those feelings, many of which had been based on hearsay, now have pictorial evidence. Yes, we removed a horrible dictator who tortured and humiliated his enemies, but we've replaced him with people who torture and humiliate our enemies.

Defenders of the US will have their reasons. Rush Limbaugh likened the whole thing to a fraternity prank. Must have been a tough time for Rush to have been sodomized with a light stick while in college. It's no wonder he doesn't have much sympathy for most people... I'd be addicted to pain killers too if I had crap like that shoved up my ass.
One of the senators during a hearing today asked why we were even investigating the prison scandal. He claimed that the people who were in prison were there because they were criminals and that many probably had American blood on their hands so anything we did was justified. Wrong dumbass, even if they do have American blood on their hands, under the Geneva Conventions we have to treat them a certain way and this isn't it. This attitude, of course, is the perfect example of why hatred for the United States probably is justified. You see, we can torture their people, but to do it to ours is unthinkable because we're their betters. Let no one question our White Man's Burden, or new Manifest Destiny.

An America man was beheaded in Iraq. The video was posted on the internet. The group that killed him claims they did it in response for Iraqi prisoner abuse. In truth I think it happens regardless, but now their excuse holds more water. Why show us respect when we'll not give then any?

Most of our soldiers are really good people who are fighting with honor, trying to do the right thing. The actions of a few shouldn't soil the rest in our eyes here. Those actions are merely a small footnote, reflecting a larger problem, a problem that eats away at our international credibility every day.

I don't know that I have an answer for this. Perhaps, more than anything, I can only hope that we start backing up our talk with actions. If we're the moral leaders of the world (as we seem to think) acting morally would probably be a good start.

It's my brother's birthday today so if you see him on the streets of New York, wish him a happy birthday and maybe give him a blanket and a few bucks for booze.

The slow moving contest to gain Chris as a Mentor has finally moved past the first task as Brian's entry was received this morning.

Brian's Drinking Game:

Watching an old episode of The A-Team... everytime an AK-47 is fired and no one is hit, drink. It should take a total of 4 minutes for you to be so drunk that the rest of your life will lose all meaning.
For a bonus you could also light up a stogie every time Hannibal does

.

This was a fine drinking game, but it took too long to get here and I was bored by the time I read it, though I did test out the game and it was very successful. I've arbitrarily decided that Brian is eliminated, leaving only Tiffany and Kyle. But who between our final two will have Chris as their mentor, task two will reveal that.

Task Two:
Chris asks you, in his position as Mentor, to do something illegal and clearly unethical, do you
A) Ask no further questions, perform the task and speak no more about it
B) Doubt whether you should be a part of something like this
C) Call the authorities
D) Perform the task, but take ample notes to help writing your tell all book later.

Your answers to this question will dictate who wins... The Mentor!

To those who are, or those who have a mother, Happy Mother's Day. To those of you who don't have a mother, figuring out who you should call is probably the least of your worries.

Crumbling under increasing pressure from unions, the press and presumptive Democratic Presidential Nominee John Kerry, Chris Magazine has returned it's operations to the states. The magazine has rehired the former staff, albeit at reduced salaries and cut benefits. Some were not happy.

"I didn't want to come back, but I didn't have a choice. Chris still has those pictures." Claimed one unnamed employee, "Working here is like living in hell, only it's hotter and it smells worse and they make me do things...awful, awful things."

Not everyone was unhappy with the return. John Kerry said this is just an example of what he could do if elected president. "The return of Chris Magazine from their outsourcing mistake is just an example of the power I wield. If elected I'll bring thousands of jobs back from abroad at reduced salaries and limited benefits."

In an effort to give equal time to the candidates Chris Magazine also contacted the White House who offered this written response. "John Kerry will let the terrorists sneak into your house at night and take your children. No one is safe if you elect him. As to the return of Chris Magazine from Southeast Asia, we're just proud to have the American institution back where it belongs where they can hire illegal immigrants under the table if they really want to save some money, just like everyone else."

Chris, meanwhile, had little to add as he was just coming out of another 72 hour binge, "The lights, why are they so bright!?"

With Chris Magazine we move to Asia and make much funny. Thank for reading. We hope to make you laugh much. This to be much funny then when French left. We love much blogs. Here some.
This ones
this one
or these one

In an effort to save money and provide a better product for our readers, Chris Magazine will be outsourced to a factory in Southeast Asia. We thank everyone who helped us produce the award winning site here, in the States, and look forward to the long, healthy future of Chris Magazine.

The final is on Sunday and CBS is promising a surprise so shocking that no one will believe it. I had to find out what it was so I called my insider friend and he informed me that the final immunity challenge was a game of Russian roulette. Finally, Survivor gets interesting.

"You are 21% GAY! That's less gay than average for someone of your gender and supposed orientation. The typical straight guy is 39% gay!"

With those simple words Chris's standing in the gay community took a nosedive last night.

Lars Lexington, Chairman of the Portland chapter of the Purple Rainbow Reading Group was left dumbfounded. "You know, I always thought he was with us. Not one of us, but with us, but now I don't know anymore."

When Chris took the test, he thought it was just a lark, he had no idea the impact it would have on his life.

"I used to watch musicals, I even liked them. Now I'm not sure what that means. 21%? I know homophobic athletes who can score higher than that. Does this mean I don't really like the theater or watching the Fine Living network? Before the test I thought Christopher Lowell's show was really helpful and full of great tips, but now I'm thinking maybe I was watching because he was such an extreme stereotype and I just found it funny?"

Chris's family was surprised as well. His sister was especially taken aback by the results. "I knew he was married and everything, but lets be honest I didn't think he was fooling anyone with that sham, but maybe the baby really is his?"

Chris's female friends were numb by the results. One, who asked to remain anonymous took the news hard. "I told him things. Things I wouldn't share with my best girlfriends because I thought he... you know, but he doesn't. With just 21% of him being gay he probably just hugged me when I cried so he could cop a feel. That sonofabitch!"

Where does this leave Chris? Confused.

"I'm just not sure where to go from here. I think I'm going to look on the internet for some on-line sensitivity training, clearly I could use it. It sucks that I'm that gay unfriendly, some of my best friends are....err were gay. Damn."

Damn indeed.

Take the test here

Dear Chris Magazine,
I made a mistake and now I want to make it right, could you publish this letter for me?
Killer Guy

Dear Killer Guy
Even though you are a sick bastard, we're here to help. Here's your letter...



Dear Schott family,

I have to get something off my chest. I'd like to apologize for the untimely death of your son, Jeff Schott. It appears that I made a grievous error when I decided to "kill a man, just to watch him eat". I didn't think it through. If I had, I'm sure I would have realized my mistake. Going back and watching some of the movies I used as resource material, it dawned on me that I should have "killed a man to watch him die". Unfortunately this didn't strike me at the time and I walked away from Jeff disgusted in the fact that he didn't eat, not even the steak I had brought him from Morton's. The real kicker is that since I was waiting for him to eat something, I didn't really watch him die so I missed out on that whole experience as well. I feel awful about the whole thing. I hope the flowers helped with the loss.

Yours truly,
That Killer Guy

Donny Rumsfeld, when asked to talk about the fact that April was the most devastating as far as loss of life goes, to American soldiers so far, answered with the fact that we've killed about 2500 Iraqis over that same time.
So, if this is a war of attrition, does this mean we are winning?

Task one will wrap up by the end of this week as Brian has promised a drinking game soon. We'll announce the task one winner and task two on Monday. Stay tuned (or whatever it is people do on the internet).

Ash.... Calling All Angels
Ryan Adams... Demolition
Ned's Atomic Dustbin... God Fodder (The double bass attack lives!)
James... Getting Away With It-- Live
Sondre Lerche... Two Way Monologue
Great Big Sea...Something Beautiful
Death Cab For Cutie...Transatlanticism
The Decemberists... Her Majesty The Decemberists

Now get on it before everyone realizes you have no idea who any of these people are!

Because we here at the Mag are nothing if not unselfish, we're giving props to my neighbor... check out his paintings here and this is his record label (home of The Decemberists and The Long Winters). I bring this up because right now, across the small fence that separates my house from his I can see he and his bandmates recording claps for their upcoming album.

Let me mention that their sense of rhythm is impeccable.

His band, for those interested is Blanket Music. Go check it out, buy a painting or maybe an album or two. You can tell him Chris sent you, but we're not really close, he'll have no idea what that means.

(* Please note that since none of the contestants responded to the request for biographical information, the editors of Chris Magazine have decided to create dramatic profiles for them.)

Tiffany- This young thirty-something, uses her whip-smart intelligence, girlish charms and above average dexterity to put herself in a position of power in any situation. She likes wearing skirts and shoes, often at the same time. She works and hates people, but loves getting drunk in an attempt to dull the pain that life has seen fit to bequeath her.

Kyle- Kyle is a registered sex offender. He's never actually molested any children, but thought the posters were a good way for his neighbors to get to know him. He's somewhat metro-sexual and owns over 120 different hair care products. Kyle loves his job as a customer service representative for an adult entertainment establishment and has the emotional depth of corpse.

Brian- Brian doesn't like being a part of the competition and has thus far refused all attempts to involve him. Brian is 30ish and is slowly dying as the result of a job that eats at his soul like a fat man at an all you can eat buffet. Brian likes soccer and his dog, his wife takes a close 6th.

In honor of the endangered Red Tailed North American Adjunct Hummingbird I will be posting once an hour, every hour for the next hour. For more information go here.

Gun safety presenter shoots self

ORLANDO, Florida (AP) -- A federal drug agent shot himself in the leg during a gun safety presentation to children in what police describe as an accident. His bosses, however, are still investigating the incident.
The Drug Enforcement Administration agent, whose name was not released, was speaking April 9 to about 50 adults and students organized by the Orlando Minority Youth Golf Association, witnesses and police said.
He drew his .40-caliber duty weapon and removed the magazine, according to the police report. He then pulled back the slide and asked an audience member to look inside the gun and confirm it wasn't loaded.
Witnesses said when the agent released the slide, one shot fired into the top of his left thigh. The gun was pointed at the floor.
The agent was treated at Orlando Regional Medical Center and returned to work, a DEA official said.

One of the gifts that my daughter was lucky enough to receive today (and if you live in the Portland, Oregon area you'll understand why she was so lucky), was a baby pool. This was not something she had requested. That request came from me. I had thought long and hard about how such a thing would work. As the temperature climbs and things get hot I could set the pool in the backyard, put on some shorts and slide in and relax. My wife is always kind enough to remind me that my daughter and I would have such fun, but as I recall she wasn't part of my original plan. Never-the-less I think I can manage to relax in the pool with her just the same. So, the pool is very nice and relatively large too (with a 60" diameter), but more importantly and in large letters on the front of the box, it is "The Most Convenient Pool Ever!"

Up to this point in my life I had not been aware that there had been such a fierce battle for supremacy amongst pool makers for convenience. A quick check on-line revealed that, in fact, this war had been fought for years. It started back in 1962 when Johnson Pools of Ithaca, New York, had created the hard plastic pool called "Pool Fun". "Pool Fun" was the hit of the summer and as one rival pool maker executive stated, "If that damn thing isn't the most convenient pool ever made, I'll eat my Diatomaceous Earth!"

Every year after that, pools were created filling that most convenient void. "Surf's Up!" took the title the next year. Then Backyard Pools and Patio created "The Circus Pool." This dominant force in convenient pools featured, plastic steps, a collage of circus images and two bars on the bottom of the pool allowing it to be taken anywhere on the top of your station wagon.

This fight became so ugly, culminating in an in-ground pool company claiming their 1974 "Mediterranean Pleasure" was "The Most Convenient Pool Ever", that the government stepped in and created a regulatory board.

Sometimes that government bureaucracy can be a hassle, but right now, thanks to Federal Aqua-convenience Control Board I know that I now own the official "Most Convenient Pool Ever!"

My daughter turns one Sunday. We had her party Saturday. It was attended by her cousin, aunt and grandmother from Cincinnati, a couple of other babies and some adults. My daughter will have no recollection of this birthday as she grows older, this party was for her parents.

This is sad.

She'll not remember having a chance to tear into her own cake and merely sticking her fingers into the icing and turning to feed her mother. All this while her cousin (6 days her junior) was grabbing handful after handful of cake and filling his ample jowls. She won't remember fulfilling the baby stereotypes by being much more engrossed in the wrapping of her presents than in the presents themselves. It will be up to me to remind her of how she and her cousin had a very long and involved conversation while standing, leaning against a chair. She won't remember the smell of fresh compost my neighbors had delivered earlier this morning. She won't recall my rocking her to sleep tonight, on a day that we celebrated her first birthday on the day that wasn't her first birthday at all.

Happy Birthday Tess