Chris Magazine

Stumble Drunk

stumble drunk

into the pole

stare up at the light

it stares back

we talk for a while

I move on

have a friendly conversation with an adjacent

parking meter

he offers me a ride home

I decline, but thank him with a quarter

the ground offers me a hug

i accept

it is warm

if not a little wet

from the rain

Something to keep in mind, should John Kerry win, we'll have our first African-American First Lady.

All in all a pretty good convention for the Democrats. John Kerry gave a very rousing, patriotic, positive speech. I think he certainly didn't lose anyone and probably gained a couple undecided votes, at least until Bush has his chance.

Probably the standout was Barak Obama on Tuesday. You can find his speech on-line and ever just reading it, you will find it to be powerful and compelling. He's not even running for anything related to me and I wanted to vote for him. He was the most impressive figure to me at the whole convention.

It will be very interesting to see how the Republicans respond. For the first time in a long time the Democrats have framed the election. They've set the stage for a positive campaign with a pretty specific platform that contrasts well with Bush. Of course, we all know that this won't be a positive campaign, but now Kerry's set it up to appear as if anything negative here on out was Bush's fault. Kerry also did a good job of making a case for himself as President. I think he appeared very presidential and he did an effective job of knocking down one of the Republicans strongest attack points which was aiming at Kerry personally. After tonight they might have to focus more on the issues. That isn't one of Bush's strong points right now.

I don't know that there's much room for a bump from the convention. It was funny how the Republican pollsters predicted a 15 point bump. That way when it doesn't happen, they can talk about how disappointing the convention must have been for the Democrats.

Read an interesting tidbit today... Al Jazeera, the Arabic television network, is carrying more live coverage of the Democratic National Convention than all three of the major networks combined. Could someone please tell me why our electoral process is so much more important to people in foreign nations than it is here at home? Seriously... NBC made sure Fear Factor was on last night, you'd think they could have made room for something that's actually important.

For those who don't know, the television networks broadcast on airwaves the government leased to them for free. Part of that deal was that they were to serve the public interest. Are they really doing that with one hour of coverage of the conventions a night?

On the other hand, why burden a undereducated, impressionable public with information that might help them make a good decision come election day? Better to let them sort it out while watching Swapping Moms or Who Wants To Marry My Dad or whatever.

As the Republicans continue to hypocritically hype their system of smaller government and keeping government out of your life and then introduce Constitutional legislation that limits the ability of one group to do something that everyone else can do, I get more pissed off. It bothers me that no one calls the conservatives on their double-talk... i.e. The clean skies initiative-- which rolls back emission restrictions on polluters....or The healthy forests initiative--- which most just allows more forests cut down (although admittedly if there are no forests, forest fires would no longer be a problem). Thinking about all this finally worked me into such a frenzy that I realized that the Republicans might be right and that I'm willing to get in line for their "Protection of Marriage" act on one condition: As we make the shift to using the Evangelical Christian model for our determination of laws in this country I think it's important that we pass these amendments.

1. The Defense of Family Time Act- This act would make it illegal to do anything on Sunday, including church. It's a day where families must spend the whole day together doing only wholesome things. You can pray a lot or bake cookies, but no working and no watching or reading anything from those liberal news outlets that might soil the Sabbath experience.

2. Kissing Mom and Dad's Ass Initiative- This amendment would make it compulsory for every child to respect and do everything their parents asked. If they don't, because they would be breaking implied contract of the Constitution, they would be declared un-American and immediately expatriated to someplace like Canada or Burma.

3. The Right To Life Act- Not to be confused with the fundamentalist anti-abortion morons, this act makes it illegal to kill anything, ever. No killing people, no killing ants and no killing of plants or trees. This amendment would be so strict that it's likely that whomever finishes off the orange juice would be in danger of violating it because they "killed the oj."

4. Keeping It In The Family Amendment- This is a better defense of marriage act, it would outlaw adultery. No having sex with anyone who you aren't married to or who is married to someone else. If you are evangelical or have at any time been critical of someone else who's done this and get caught yourself, your punishment is doubled.

5. Til Death Do Us Part- This one bans divorce and also helps protect your family forcing you to stay together no matter what. Husband abusing you? Better take some self-defense courses because thanks to number 3 you can't even kill your way out of this marriage.

6. The Five Finger Discount Act- Makes it a violation of the Constitution to steal. This, again, is strict. There will be no stealing of money, no stealing of jokes. If someone hears a minister giving a sermon that sounds like something someone else wrote, call homeland security, they're being un-American.

7. The No Lying About the Neighbor Act- This would ban people from faking niceties between neighbors. Recognizing that criticism is the only way people better themselves, this amendment will force people to tell their neighbors just how bad the Pecan pie is or just how ugly the lawn jockey happens to be.

8. God's Honest Truth Act- All public speeches must actually reflect the truth of the content. When people talk about cutting taxes, they must also mention the fewer services that come with it. If you are speculating on something, you have to say that you don't really know and you are just giving a best guestimate. This applies if you are say taking the country to war based on a couple of shaky principles. It would now be illegal to present those ideas as cold, hard fact when you aren't completely sure yourself. If you lie.... say perhaps three years after 9/11 you say the country is safer than before while simultaneously telling us to fear for our lives because the people we are fearing are just as strong and elusive as they were before the first attack.... you have to start your speech with, "This might just be a load of bullshit, but..."

I apologize for being remiss in posting of late, but it's been 104 in Portland and I've been stuck to my couch. Expect more fire and brimstone to return. I have great anger boiling up in me.  That, of course, isn't surprising seeing how my blog has not garnered me fame as I had expected. And where are all the women throwing themselves at me? And what about the book deals?

If I've learned anything over the years it's that, after a while, most women don't complain about being forcibly held against their will in your basement.

Saw Capturing The Friedmans the other night...I still don't know what the truth is, but it's well worth the viewing. That is one really messed up family. Remember folks....don't touch the kids, it's just wrong.

The Graham Norton Effect on Comedy Central. I loved his show on BBCAmerica, but wondered how the Yanks would screw it up when they brought it over... They didn't. It's still damn funny. Raunchy as all get out, but funny. Watch it on Thursday nights.

Dear ChrisMagazine~

Do you have a message for the French today as they celebrate Bastille
Day??

Merci!
Jug
Washington D.C.

Dear Jug
Yeah, nice job on Bastille Day French people. Way to celebrate the meaningless opening of a prison that held no one enroute to a revolution that, while it ousted your royals, later paved the way for an Emperor. Of course more recently you've done a tremendous job of being run over by your enemies. And hey, let's start a Maginot Line Day. It was just as important as the Bastille bustout. I mean, brilliant idea to build a wall blocking the Germans from entering along their border...Who could have imagined them going through Belgium like that? Seriously, who goes through Belgium? Oh, that's right... The Germans. Even more recently you've received a great deal of flack for opposing the war in Iraq. As the Dixie Chicks learned, that's what you get for thinking for yourself. Hopefully you learned your lesson when we changed the name of French Fries (or pomme frits or something like that) to Patriot Fries. I can tell that between that and the protests against French's mustard really hit home in Paris. Sure, you can point out that French Fries originated in Belgium, but we won't listen. We don't have to. We're bigger than you. Happy Bastille Day.

Holy Crap! What a great day. Was approached by a talent scout today who said he thought I'd be great in movies. Offered me a role in a snuff film. I said yes on the spot. It should be really cool and with my history background starring in a period piece with the drug use as a backdrop should be really interesting. He asked if I had life insurance...Probably because there will be stunts, but I'm ready. He gave me a card with the address of the place where I need to show up. This is so awesome! I'll let you all know how it goes when I get back tomorrow.

Sent off a cover letter with some clever reasons why I should be hired, this is one that didn't make the cut...

Chris is like a box of chocolates...except he's just one guy with a couple of nuts.

Sad. Very Sad.

I've never been a big fan of the summer olympics. They've never held the same kind of excitement for me that the winter sports had...this year is different. This summer promises to be the most exciting olympics since Munich in 1972 and once again, for all the wrong reasons.
Read This

After listening to the President's weekly radio address this morning I found out that I'm either against gay marriage or with the terrorists. I had no idea.

Dear Chris,
I accidentally had sex with a chicken last night and this morning there was an egg. How do I tell if it's mine?
Concerned Father

Wow. This is the first type of question like this that we've had here and it caused quite a stir. Many on the staff didn't believe it deserved an answer, others thought it did. The others won.

Dear Concerned,
We asked around and got two suggestions as to how to best take care of your problem. Your first option is the incubate the egg until it comes to fruition and see if it looks like you. The other option is the make an omelet. This probably won't tell you whether you are the father, but frankly we figured you were sick enough to f**k a chicken so what the hell...? Either way, best of luck.

Congrats to the Post for once again being first with the news...even if it wasn't the right news. It's that type of act first and determine the facts later coverage of events that makes that paper so invaluable in today's fast moving world.

Was watching fireworks and thinking to myself..."Blowing shit up...that really is what America is all about."

Actually the Declaration was pretty much wrapped up on the 2nd of July 1776, but since we now celebrate everything else with convenience (i.e. President's Birthdays become a single day which now always falls on a Monday) why not this day too?

Also for you women, blacks, Native Americans and loyalists who thought that "life, liberty and pursuit of happiness" meant you as well, sorry about that. On the bright side you really only had to wait 150-200 years to get everything straightened out.

As it was, I was on the brink of genius
a cure for cancer, ALS and ADHD
and just as I was about to write it down
I spilled my tea on my keyboard
this was unfortunate and distracting
but not more so than turning around to get a towel
in time to see my neighbor's dog
(whom we're sitting)
pee in my living room
as I walked out the clean up the urine
and admonish the dog I tripped
over a baby toy and exclaimed a loud expletive
which woke up the baby who had been sleeping
then I forget my cure
and I sat and cried
sorry

Life apparently is not fair. Despite Saddam's protestations that the court set to try him isn't valid, it appears his case will continue. This actually could be an interesting court case depending on how deep it goes. Because Saddams recieved a decent element of support from the United States during the war with Iran, I wonder how much information the government really wants disseminated.

Meanwhile, the NHL and their players seem to be edging closer to a lockout with each successive word that stumbles from their respective lips. The owners want "cost certainty", the players don't. What they should be doing is paying attention to the national uproar which sounds a great deal like crickets (or cicadas depending on where you are) and figure this out sooner rather than later. If they lockout, they'll never recover.

And speaking of minor leagues....How about that NBA draft? It was as bad as the NHL draft, with one difference, the NHL drafts youngsters and then puts them in developmental leagues so they get better and have time to grow up before they deal with the spotlight. The NBA has a huge crop of high schoolers and no one knows how many will actually pan out. The nice thing is the safety net that's set up. If you're drafted in the first round and don't make it in the first three years...I hope you invested wisely. If you were taken in the second round you can hope you have some technical or mechanical skills like fixing cars or maybe parking cars. Until the NBA get's a real developmental league (and the NBDL doesn't count)the youngsters who come out and don't succeed will suffer, the quality of the game will suffer (Oh look, another player with no jumpshot, but a pretty cross-over and he can't play defense, but he can dunk!) and interest in a league populated by players who don't know how to play will continue to wane.