Monday, July 26, 2004
A Thought On Gay Marriage
As the Republicans continue to hypocritically hype their system of smaller government and keeping government out of your life and then introduce Constitutional legislation that limits the ability of one group to do something that everyone else can do, I get more pissed off. It bothers me that no one calls the conservatives on their double-talk... i.e. The clean skies initiative-- which rolls back emission restrictions on polluters....or The healthy forests initiative--- which most just allows more forests cut down (although admittedly if there are no forests, forest fires would no longer be a problem). Thinking about all this finally worked me into such a frenzy that I realized that the Republicans might be right and that I'm willing to get in line for their "Protection of Marriage" act on one condition: As we make the shift to using the Evangelical Christian model for our determination of laws in this country I think it's important that we pass these amendments.
1. The Defense of Family Time Act- This act would make it illegal to do anything on Sunday, including church. It's a day where families must spend the whole day together doing only wholesome things. You can pray a lot or bake cookies, but no working and no watching or reading anything from those liberal news outlets that might soil the Sabbath experience.
2. Kissing Mom and Dad's Ass Initiative- This amendment would make it compulsory for every child to respect and do everything their parents asked. If they don't, because they would be breaking implied contract of the Constitution, they would be declared un-American and immediately expatriated to someplace like Canada or Burma.
3. The Right To Life Act- Not to be confused with the fundamentalist anti-abortion morons, this act makes it illegal to kill anything, ever. No killing people, no killing ants and no killing of plants or trees. This amendment would be so strict that it's likely that whomever finishes off the orange juice would be in danger of violating it because they "killed the oj."
4. Keeping It In The Family Amendment- This is a better defense of marriage act, it would outlaw adultery. No having sex with anyone who you aren't married to or who is married to someone else. If you are evangelical or have at any time been critical of someone else who's done this and get caught yourself, your punishment is doubled.
5. Til Death Do Us Part- This one bans divorce and also helps protect your family forcing you to stay together no matter what. Husband abusing you? Better take some self-defense courses because thanks to number 3 you can't even kill your way out of this marriage.
6. The Five Finger Discount Act- Makes it a violation of the Constitution to steal. This, again, is strict. There will be no stealing of money, no stealing of jokes. If someone hears a minister giving a sermon that sounds like something someone else wrote, call homeland security, they're being un-American.
7. The No Lying About the Neighbor Act- This would ban people from faking niceties between neighbors. Recognizing that criticism is the only way people better themselves, this amendment will force people to tell their neighbors just how bad the Pecan pie is or just how ugly the lawn jockey happens to be.
8. God's Honest Truth Act- All public speeches must actually reflect the truth of the content. When people talk about cutting taxes, they must also mention the fewer services that come with it. If you are speculating on something, you have to say that you don't really know and you are just giving a best guestimate. This applies if you are say taking the country to war based on a couple of shaky principles. It would now be illegal to present those ideas as cold, hard fact when you aren't completely sure yourself. If you lie.... say perhaps three years after 9/11 you say the country is safer than before while simultaneously telling us to fear for our lives because the people we are fearing are just as strong and elusive as they were before the first attack.... you have to start your speech with, "This might just be a load of bullshit, but..."
1. The Defense of Family Time Act- This act would make it illegal to do anything on Sunday, including church. It's a day where families must spend the whole day together doing only wholesome things. You can pray a lot or bake cookies, but no working and no watching or reading anything from those liberal news outlets that might soil the Sabbath experience.
2. Kissing Mom and Dad's Ass Initiative- This amendment would make it compulsory for every child to respect and do everything their parents asked. If they don't, because they would be breaking implied contract of the Constitution, they would be declared un-American and immediately expatriated to someplace like Canada or Burma.
3. The Right To Life Act- Not to be confused with the fundamentalist anti-abortion morons, this act makes it illegal to kill anything, ever. No killing people, no killing ants and no killing of plants or trees. This amendment would be so strict that it's likely that whomever finishes off the orange juice would be in danger of violating it because they "killed the oj."
4. Keeping It In The Family Amendment- This is a better defense of marriage act, it would outlaw adultery. No having sex with anyone who you aren't married to or who is married to someone else. If you are evangelical or have at any time been critical of someone else who's done this and get caught yourself, your punishment is doubled.
5. Til Death Do Us Part- This one bans divorce and also helps protect your family forcing you to stay together no matter what. Husband abusing you? Better take some self-defense courses because thanks to number 3 you can't even kill your way out of this marriage.
6. The Five Finger Discount Act- Makes it a violation of the Constitution to steal. This, again, is strict. There will be no stealing of money, no stealing of jokes. If someone hears a minister giving a sermon that sounds like something someone else wrote, call homeland security, they're being un-American.
7. The No Lying About the Neighbor Act- This would ban people from faking niceties between neighbors. Recognizing that criticism is the only way people better themselves, this amendment will force people to tell their neighbors just how bad the Pecan pie is or just how ugly the lawn jockey happens to be.
8. God's Honest Truth Act- All public speeches must actually reflect the truth of the content. When people talk about cutting taxes, they must also mention the fewer services that come with it. If you are speculating on something, you have to say that you don't really know and you are just giving a best guestimate. This applies if you are say taking the country to war based on a couple of shaky principles. It would now be illegal to present those ideas as cold, hard fact when you aren't completely sure yourself. If you lie.... say perhaps three years after 9/11 you say the country is safer than before while simultaneously telling us to fear for our lives because the people we are fearing are just as strong and elusive as they were before the first attack.... you have to start your speech with, "This might just be a load of bullshit, but..."
