Chris Magazine

Already two questions have arrived...

What if my co-worker Richard Hussein sees your website and emails you? He's not automatically a "terrorist", right? He works tech-support. He does have an accent, and the name. Maybe I should point this out to the company I work for. What do you think?
Janet McJohnson Macon, Ga.

Good question. Frankly, I wouldn't worry about it at all. Because I want this to be a full service site, I've already contacted the Office of Homeland Security for you. Richard Hussein will no longer trouble anyone with his "tech support". I think we all know what that means. I would also like to thank you for having the courage to allow me to print your whole name here despite the likelihood of retribution. You're a true American, fighting those damn dirty terrorists here at home.

What if I like having my slave? Does that make me bad?
Will A. Edmonton, Alberta

No Will, it doesn't. The nice thing about society these days is that no one is really a bad person. You're merely the victim of a society that never taught you right from wrong. It's obvious to me that if someone was to suggest to you that owning a slave was wrong, you'd likely give it up. I won't be that person. Instead let me applaud you for so obviously appreciating your slave. I think all slaves wish they had someone like you as their owner.

I'll be answering questions on any and all topics. Bring 'em on! Unless you are a terrorist. Please note that "bring it on" is not aimed at you, nor is it intended to be inflammatory in any way, shape or form. Please, if you are a terrorist, don't "bring it on". Feel free to sit at home, watch TV and rest assured that someone else will have already "broughten it".

Just in case you didn't know, slavery is bad. Just even in principle, it's an awful, awful thing. In practice it's inhumane and unthinkable. That said, there was a group that came forward recently seeking reparations for the descendents of former slaves in the United States. This group claimed to have matched their DNA with that of some people in Africa. People, who had been, at one point in time, raided by slave traders, taken from their homes and families, brought to the states and sold into slavery. The lawsuit diverged a bit from previous attempts in that it was aimed at corporations and not at the U.S. government. Now, as guilty as Lloyd's of London, FleetBoston and R.J. Reynolds might have been of "aiding and abetting the commission of genocide" the plaintiffs are about 150 years too late.

The plaintiffs are complaining that these companies destroyed their national and ethnic identity, but let's be honest. That's a load of bullshit. These people were born in the United States. They were raised in the United States. The simple fact that they are suing shows that their American identity is alive and well. Seriously, these companies didn't destroy their national and ethnic identities, they never had an "African Identity". The truth is that most people, African Americans and otherwise, would be appalled at the current situation of most people on the continent of Africa. Now, had they sued the entertainment industry alleging the same thing, perhaps I would have been on their side... or at least listened.

It's just too late for this sort of thing. This was something that would have been more than legitimate a couple of hundred years ago with the original slaves, or at least their first generation relatives, but now it's time to move on. Did Andrew Johnson blow it when he didn't support legislation offering former slaves 40 acres and a mule? Yes, he did, big time. It's not surprising seeing how Andrew Johnson was possibly the dumbest president we've ever had. He was lucky if he signed his name correctly, much less signed the right bill.

Here are some suggestions for these yahoos next time they want to file a lawsuit. Sue for something a bit more current and something that the people today and the media can latch onto...

Sue for the Jim Crow laws, or for the systematic way in which minorities were forced to stay in the inner cities, even as the whites took flight because of a very controlled dispensing of mortgages.
Sue for the way blacks were portrayed on television for the most part through the 80s... go watch old episodes of Columbo... I've seen them all... the only black guys who ever appeared we always waiters...this, of course, was better than most shows, which simply portrayed all blacks as either criminals, minstrels or morons.
Sue Byron Allen...that man set blacks back about 200 years...which means if he was brought on the current case he might make it legitimate.....hmmmm.
Sue for the racial profiling that has been so prevalent in many areas (more on this coming up soon).
Sue the eateries that wouldn't serve you.
Sue white America for constantly assimilating black culture and then making it so uncool that even the most white-bread black person would be embarrassed...see The Running Man.
Sue every soulless white singer who's stolen a great song and committed such an atrocity that a human rights tribunal should have been commissioned.
Sue every successful black athlete who's convinced legions of high school kids that education is unnecessary and that they'll be able to easily sustain a career in professional sports.
Sue Vanilla Ice....please....he's still going.
Sue the cabbies who won't pick you up in New York City.
Sue the media for thinking that 17 minutes of weather with 13 minutes of murders makes up a balanced representation of the stories going on in our communities.
Sue a government who doesn't seem interested in helping raise those in need up.
Sue a government that has the audacity to believe that people need their help in the first place seeing how it was that same government that put them there to begin with....
There are more, but I'll stop there. It's time to stop seeking reparations. History is something best remembered, reflected upon and put behind us. Apply the lessons learned in the present and aim to do so in the future, but it's damn hard to get to the future, when you're still shackled to the past. Let it go.

Early Wednesday morning Chris woke to find a teaser on AOL about taking an IQ test. Being easily led by colorful links on his computer and intrigued by the idea, Chris clicked and made his way to the test. After seven full minutes of struggling with the questions the results returned a score of 152 and a rating of "Gifted."
"I was shocked," said a shocked Chris. "I had always thought I was a genius."
Chris's friends were stunned.
"I'm surprised he was bright enough to click on the right link," exclaimed one anonymous friend.
Chris's father had a similar perspective, "Gifted?" Special is more like it. I always thought he could have been in those Olympics."
His wife, who was busy working while Chris was taking the test had this to say, "Yes, Chris told me all about his being gifted. That certainly explains his state of employment. It's so hard for the gifted to find jobs these days."
Chris has printed out the results and bought a frame at the Dollar Tree. His plans are to hang it in the living room, next to the television.
"That way," he adds, "when there's nothing good on TV, we can talk about my IQ test." Some unconfirmed sources claim that Chris has already added the test scores to his resume, but there's been no independent verification of this.

I'm a failure...so I'm doing what every failure does in the 21st century... retreating to the internet. Ahh yes, the internet. So warm...so comforting....it's like a blanket, but it is intangible and you can't wrap it around you or put it on the ground for a picnic. On the other hand, a tangible blanket doesn't offer much in the way of porn. I'm not quite sure what I'm doing yet with this site, but enough people asked me if I had a blog that I figured I better get one before I get left too far behind another trend. (I'm still debating the purchase of a Members Only jacket and whether or not I really need to see Lord of the Rings.) So, check in, tell your friends. Good morning.

This is a test post. Before I risk carpal tunnel on this sucker, I'd like to see if it actually works.