Chris Magazine

Dear Chris-
It's hard to believe you are gone. I'll miss our long talks, our crying spells and watching Lifetime. Also, next time someone tells me that can easily swallow something, I'm just going to believe them as opposed to trying to help them do it. You taught me that. Thank you.
Anonymous

Who knew that when you decided to rob the Dollar Tree that things would turn out so badly for you? We'll miss you.

The way you constantly made fun of things. Especially how you take things you really shouldn't make fun of, and did it anyway. Yeah, that was always great.

You know, how you made fun of my weight all the time, despite the fact that you knew I had an eating disorder and that I have a thyroid condition. Or the way you always made fun of handicapped people, despite the fact that I have two siblings who suffer from Autism and one who is developmentally delayed.

We'll miss the way you always had the answers to problems, but only after they were solved and the way you were always willing to tell us that long after the fact.

We'll miss your chocolate chip cookies. You really could bake cookies.

In lieu of an April Fools joke (because let's be honest, who doesn't see that coming), I've decided to just pretend I played a joke that I was dead. I'm inviting everyone to write a brief eulogy, please include the means by which I was killed, my worst qualities and talk about that time that we did that thing with the people and the stuff. Leave em as comments or email them to me at cmagazineblog@yahoo.com.

In lieu of an April Fools joke (because let's be honest, who doesn't see that coming), I've decided to just pretend I played a joke that I was dead. I'm inviting everyone to write a brief eulogy, please include the means by which I was killed, my worst qualities and talk about that time that we did that thing with the people and the stuff. Leave em as comments or email them to me at cmagazineblog@yahoo.com.

Don’t be confused. The Terry Schiavo case isn’t about fervently held beliefs. Those in government, both in the legislature and governor’s mansion in Florida and in Congress in Washington D.C., are not fight for her life because they believe that all life is precious. This is a political fight. If this was about what Terry wanted, the fight would be over. Every court in Florida has ruled on behalf of the husband. The U.S. Supreme Court decided not to rule on the case considering it closed. In the end I don’t know who is right or wrong in the case, but that’s not the point. That’s a he said she said issue that really can never be resolved short of Terry taking the time be become un-brain-dead and tell everyone.

The problem is that because everyone has turned this into a political battle to show that the Republicans once again protect their core constituents (regardless of their own wishes or their public statements about the way their party works), the real problem isn’t being address.

Instead of passing useless legislation to try to move decisions to a federal court so the parents can get a decision they like, the congress should have been passing legislation requiring anyone who gets a driver’s license or who turns 18 to fill out a living will so that issues like this won’t come up in the future.

I saw the father this morning on CNN say that he’s happy that the case is finally going to a court where “we can finally get a fair hearing.” Fair hearing? Is that because the circuit court, appellate court and Supreme Court in Florida is biased in some way against the family? That doesn’t seem likely. What he really means is that he’s happy he has another chance to win his case. It’s really all a load of crap.

If the Republicans (and also those cowardly Democrats unwilling to take a stand against the issue lest it be used against them in an election because they still don’t know how to frame an issue) really believed that life was sacred, they would also be fighting against that death penalty. But they won’t, because in truth they don’t hold life any more precious than anyone else. They simply believe in the power of politics and the power that political issues afford them.

Here's another good reason to suspect that some of the things in the bible may have been just slightly altered in transcription...

Read This

They get like that sometimes
Girls that is
And no matter what you say
Or what you do
That’s just how they are going to be
“It’s not your fault”
Well, that’s what they’ll tell you
Or “it’s nothing”
But don’t believe it
Whatever it is
It is something
And it’s totally your fault
Even if it’s not
And when they say to just forget it
Don’t, or you’ll pay
Seriously, you’ll pay big time
This will come back up
Maybe not tomorrow, or next week
But six weeks from now
They’ll remember and they’ll use it against you
Stay, work it out now
And don’t get too angry
You’ll probably get sex later
Just keep in mind
Girls get like that sometimes

There are many things one should buy in bulk. Candy is a good example. There is never a time when you can have too much candy. There is no such thing as an overly sufficient amount of reece’s peanut butter cups.
Toilet paper is another good example of an item that you’d always do well to purchase in bulk. There are a lot of things that you can run out of in your house; toilet paper isn’t one of them. Especially if a guest is the person in the bathroom at the moment there’s that realization that you have no more toilet paper. Telling them to use the hand towel isn’t the best way to bring them back to your home, especially if you don’t use a good fabric softener.
However, there is one thing, that if you could buy anywhere, regardless of the discounted price that you should not purchase at a Costco… a casket. And they sell them. Look, someone you care for just died. Someone who meant a lot to you. Bad thing to note at a funeral…. “She raised me from a baby, gave me everything, but at least something good came out of her passing, I saved about 15-hundred bucks on the casket at Costco.”
Seriously, just spend the money. I know it just goes into the ground and the person you are putting in it are dead and won’t care, but it just says more about you than anything else.
Well, regardless of my feelings on the matter, some of you will still want to save the money, so here you go…click here.

It's been a while since we hit the mailbag so we'll give it a try.

Dear Chris Magazine,

Your site sucks. You seem obsessed with the NHL and the rest of the crap you write is well... crap. Could you change that and make it better?

Hating everything you do
Billings, MT

Dear Hating,

You raise some valid points. In fact, Chris Magazine was the 2004 reciepient of the Your Site Sucks So Good award. This is an award voted on by blog readers, rewarding a site for consistant sucking. You can check out more here. We take a lot of pride in the fact that we beat dead horses, raise invalid points and pontificate on subjects in which we are less than well versed. We also crow often about our poor grammar, inability to spell and the fact that we promise to update daily, but really do so much less often than that. Keep the mail coming and we'll continue to suck.

From the New York Times...

His Hands Reattached, a Worker Is Overjoyed

I don't think I even need to read the article now. That headline clearly tells the whole story.

Read This

Let's be honest, where was this woman when I was eight...oh heck, where was she wasn I was 15? Sad thing is that boy is gonna have problems dating older women in the future if they know he's willing to roll over and get them jail time. He probably won't even get laid again until he's in double digits in age. This kinda breaks my heart.

"Dude, are you really that dumb?"
"Well,..."
"Don't, dude. Trust me, that was a rhetorical question."