Chris Magazine

Man 1: George W. Bush is the biggest moron this side of...sonofabitch!
Man 2: What?
Man 1: Dammit, there's nothing this side of Bush...

It's Christmas Eve and all through the house
My boxes are empty
and I am a louse
I've shopped little
and bought even less
And don't have great Christmas gifts
to give poor little tess
But upon the roof
there rose such a clatter
I got up from my brand new satellite radio
to see what might be the matter
a homeless man it seems
had climed up, hoping to break in and fulfill his dreams
of taking my computer and T.V.
but thanks to a lack of adequte background checks
it's my gun he'll see
upon his back, a bag he carried
and in it many toys he offered to show
taken from families before me he'd harried
and he reached in and pulled out tickle me elmo
Christmas had come to my humble house
but not before I shot the intruder like an unwanted mouse
so this lesson i've learned from this one holiday
that things come to those who wait and who have a glock
and it leads me to say
Merry Christmas to all and homeless guys rock!

Happy Christmas Eve!

P.S. It may not rhyme, but it was done off the cuff
So I'd rather not hear all your whining and guff

Me: Yeah, I was kind of a dork in high school
Her: (not as surprised as she should be) Really?
Me: Yeah, but I outgrew it in my 40s.
Her: But aren't you in your 30s?
Me: (downward glance followed by large sigh) yeah....

I just got my first Christmas gift of the year...satellite radio....I don't think I need y'all anymore.

I just read where the NHL is likely to reject the players association's proposal outright, in effect ending the hockey season. For some reason these two sides can't figure out how to divvy up 2 billion dollars a year (which won't be the figure when they're done with what they are doing now) and now they are willing to blow up the season to make their point. To them both I have only this to say as a long time, loyal hockey fan...
Fuck All you all. (Have a nice day. Morons.)

P.S....oh look all that money I would have spent on hockey this year (i.e. games, center ice package, jersey for my 19 month old) has found a new home. It may never return. Just remember, you guys kicked my money out of the house, it didn't want to leave.)

The fact that Bernard Kerik had to quit the nomination for Homeland Security Secretary marks a sad day in America. He had to withdrwal because he had, at some point, a nanny who was an illegal immigrant. We can all admit that immigration is an issue, that it may well be one of the keys to our safety as a nation, but at the same time, if one can only hire people with proper papers to raise our children, to mow our lawns, to do our day labor, then who will be able to afford such things. Even now such luxuries are restricted to only the wealthy, very wealthy and super weathly, but it seems that some seek to change this. Some believe it's time to remove the benefits of well cultured children, well-coiffed lawns and inexpensive frame work on new houses from the wealthy and very wealthy and leave it only in the hands of the super wealthy. Now I ask you, how American is that?

We might as well just put a commie in the White House.

It is a sad day in America today.

So I interviewed Dave Stewart today. That was interesting.Didn't talk about Annie Lennox at all, but he has formed a new band with another (new) woman that he said he's really excited about. Said that album should be out in Spring of '05.
I'd like to tell you all about the rest of my life, but it's not clear that I have one right now. I'm more than happy to answer questions if any of you have any. The floor is open. The ball is in your court.

So how is everyone these days. I've got a lot of things to write about, but I don't. Mostly because I love punishing all of you who read this. I know, it hurts to read that, but what are you going to do? You know I could take you. Bring it on! Let's get this party started! Oh, I see how it is now...why you gotta be like that?

It's been so long, but this whole work crap is weird, they keep asking me to show up. Not only that, they then ask me to work. It's frickin' crazy. They also paid me. I don't even know what to do with that so I gave it to the homeless guy who sleeps behind my car in the work parking lot. He seemed happy, probably won't be as happy when he finds I didn't endorse it. Oh well.