Chris Magazine

I was trying to think of something scary to tell you all, but the best I could come up with is "Four More Years!" Scares the crap out of me.
It was either that or, "The calls are coming from inside the house!" But that seemed kinda tired.

As I was walking my dog in the surprise downpour today, I was reminded of an old saying, one I should have heeded...
Nothing ventured....never have to leave the house.

Is coming as promised...it's still building.

Vote Kerry. He may end up being no better than Bush after four years, but Bush is a disengenuous man whose politics lean more towards marketing ("Clear Air Act-- Healthy Forest Initiative-- Mission Accomplished--He can run, but he can't hide") than he is towards ideas and bills that will ultimately benefit the country as a whole. It's time for a change.
Regardless of who you plan to vote for, just make sure you vote. If you choose not to, that's fine, but I don't want to hear shit from you over the next four years.

A lot of people have asked me who I'm voting for. I thought it was pretty obvious, but I'll be giving my endorsement on Friday. It's not like it will help anyone, but I figure I'll be doing my part. Expect a big rant on politics and me yelling at the electorate as well.

Now I'm not much for conspiracy theories. I'm a born cynic and that cuts all ways, but this article certainly made me think a bit. Of course the cynic in me noted that it came from the BBC, who else would we expect to break a big election related story here in the United States?

Congratulations go out to the Boston Red Sox.... The Curse is dead! And condolences to Cub fans....you are now truly very, very alone.

One of my best friend's father died this weekend. Ron Lamartina will be remembered for a man who loved living and knew how to do it right. Been a rough couple of years for Brian, but he keeps coming back for more, but this was clearly an extra kick in the groin he didn't deserve. Stupid deaths.

The comedy group is slowly getting off the ground. I've had a decent response so far. If anyone is interested in joining, there's still time. Even if you don't live in the Portland area, you can still write if you wish.

And sometimes it's about being honest...
Read this.

I'm still waiting for the episode when the family comes home and they weren't able to finish in time:
"Look, sorry about the roof not being on and we were unable to get any windows in, but you've got a beautifully landscaped lawn and a brand new kitchen! We've got to go."

George Bush is going to win Pennsylvania come hell or high water. He's used deceptive ads and numerous personal visits, but now he's sunk to a new low. Now he's bombing the state into submission...(accidentally my ass)



FORT INDIANTOWN GAP, Pa. - Military officials are investigating why a jet fighter accidentally dropped a 25-pound practice bomb on a hiking trail a mile from its intended target in southeastern Pennsylvania.

No one was injured when the grapefruit-sized bomb fell on the trail Oct. 13 during a training mission for a pair of A-10 Thunderbolts. The bomb created a crater about 6 inches wide in the trail.

The plane that dropped the bomb was assigned to the 111th Fighter Wing at Willow Grove Naval Air Station, said Col. Chris Cleaver, spokesman for Fort Indiantown Gap, an 18,000-acre military training site managed by the Pennsylvania National Guard.

The plane has been grounded while officials investigate what caused the bomb to drop incorrectly. Investigators have already ruled out pilot error as the cause, Cleaver said.

The National Guard has been seeking permission to acquire 2,100 acres of Pennsylvania Game Commission land to act as a buffer zone for a new tank range. The base is located about 25 miles northwest of Harrisburg.

As my brain has been wasting away from inactivity, I've decided to do something about it. I'm forming a sketch comedy group. If you are in the Portland, Oregon area and interested, drop me an email. For the literalists among you, sketch comedy isn't about funny drawings (although I'm not above such things).

If you missed the interchange between Jon Stewart and Tucker Carlson on Crossfire on Friday, you missed a lot. Stewart went on the show and basically stated that he thinks it's a crap show that doesn't really do much as far as news was concerned. He called Carlson and Paul Begalia hacks and for some reason they took umbrage.

The thing is, Stewart is right. Crossfire doesn't serve any purpose other than to titillate. At one time they might have taken an issue and tried to dissect it a bit to get to the heart of the matter, but now the shows are simply an excuse for a partisan fight. Every question aimed at the other side is a "gotcha" and at the end of thirty minutes no one walks away any wiser than before it started.

I'll give Stewart credit for having the guts to repeat on the show what he's said about it elsewhere. Although, I must say, thinking so little of the show, one wonders why he would go on it in the first place?

The best part of the whole show was Carlson's response. He mostly just parroted Stewart's criticisms back at him. He said that Stewart lacked journalistic integrity and that his show lacked a non-partisan feel that a news show should have. These are both spurious arguments considering the fact that The Daily Show is a comedy show. In truth, he's also wrong. Stewart's interviews with both sides of the political spectrum are always well thought out and often much more informative than the softball crap politicians get to answer on the "real" news networks.

Carlson's still yelling about Stewart and his comments, but he should just shut up. He can't win this, not only because he's not right, but also because he wears a bow tie. Hard to trust any man these days who wears a bow tie.

Here's the NY Times endorsement for President. Not surprisingly it is Kerry, but while I'm not sure it makes the best case for Kerry, it is a very good case against Bush. Check it out, decide for yourself.
Here it is.
You'll have to get a login if you don't have one, it is free and just takes a minute.

This was sent to me by someone, you should check it out.

Well, they're over now and clearly the winner was John Kerry. The trouble is that, despite winning the first and third debates and tying or barely winning the second, I don't know what he gets out of it.

The polls are all still within the +/- and I'm not really sure how many undecideds changed their mind as a result of the debates.

The biggest problem with the debates was in evidence last night when both were directly asked about paying for some of their plans and neither gave a specific nor direct answer. With only a limited follow up allowed by the moderator and none by each other, the question remains without an answer.

Another thing that we can tell from the debates is that while Bush is a great people person, he's a crappy debater. Many of his jokes last night fell flat and his labeling Kerry's statement about what he said about Bin Laden as "one of those exagerations" when it was anything but that, helped Bush stumble to a second place finish in a two horse race.

What was interesting to me was that I felt Bush was strongest on the questions regarding his faith and his wife. I think he spoke earnestly and it was the least prepared sounding part of his debate. It was one of the few times where I looked at him and believed that he even believed every word he was saying.

Kerry was simply steady. He wasn't incredible, but he was better than Bush. It was nice, at the end of the debate, to hear them actually deal with issues that impact peoples lives like the minimum wage, but too much of the debate was lost to rhetoric. Actually even that topic fell victim to Bush and his lack of answer so he talked about schools. While education is certainly a key to people getting a better job, what about those who are working minimum wage jobs now? Oh well.

Ultimately the key to this election is going to be who hits the polls. If the Democrats get their folks to the polls they win simply because there are more of them, but the Republicans have been much better of that lately which will make the next couple weeks very interesting.

I knew life wasn't going my way when talking to a good friend of mine, he mentioned that "it's ok when things are screwed up cause even a broken clock is right twice a day."
Unfortunately my clock is digital. All I have is a blank screen. Damn.

Sure, I didn't win Powerball, but what would I have done with $215 million anyway? I still feel like a winner today, thanks to the announcement that an A-Team movie is in the works. Still no casting news, but there's got to be a job in there for Mr. T somewhere.

Now all they need to do is revive Riptide and Remington Steele and at that point, with the reunited mid-80s Tuesday night line-up from NBC, I think Revelations will be complete and the world ends. But it'd be cool while it lasted.

There's a rumor going around that Bush was fed lines by his advisors during the last debate. This rumor stems from a picture of Bush, at the debate, where the back of his coat seems to show a perfect square in the middle of his back.

I looked at the picture and while it does look that way, I don't think that's true. But it is a funny idea. That said, had someone suggested the box was there because Bush was a robot, that I might have believed.

My dad with my child is a lot like Hitler with the Jews. He says it's paternal and talks a lot about camp, but there's a pretty good chance that if the two were left alone, someone would end up in an oven.

***Please note, I did not say this, but I did chuckle when I heard it and then I felt immediately bad. It's clearly in bad taste and I wanted to make sure the rest of you felt as bad as I do about it. So go ahead, laugh if you like... then enjoy the shame. Shame on all of you.

Well the vice-presidential and last presidential debates were rather boring affairs. Neither side won either debate, nor do I think too many minds were changed. Bush did a much better job in the second debate of moderating his responses to Kerry's attacks. He still looks like he's wearing a smirk, but I think that's just how (his) god made him.

Cheney acted as if he was the well worn professor dismissing the sophistry of an uppity freshman. Cheney really scored points early, while Edwards came on strong at the end. Certainly, if you are a Republican, Cheney was much more what you want to see than the show Bush put on in the first debate.

There really was no revelatory information in either debate. I applaud Charlie for trying to get the candidates to answer direct questions, but they still just said, "Good question" and then answered whatever they wanted. Boring.

I don't think we'll see much poll movement after this. I can't wait til this whole thing is over at this point, but I wonder what all the Democrats will talk about if Kerry actually wins?

Give it up. There's nothing but reruns and crap on TV tonight. Better yet, it was supposed to be opening day for the NHL....thanks to the moronic players and owners that isn't to be and might not be at all this year. You buy a 40 and pour it out for all the homeys out there missing hockey, then go buy a decent beer and actually get drunk.

Watch the debate. Even if it's not really a debate and the candidates don't really answer the questions asked, it should once again be an interesting evening.
Also at 8pm, watch Joan of Arcadia. Just because. Any show that raises interesting theological questions is good in my book. The family stuff is ok, the god interaction is ok, but the cop part of the show really heads into the absurd more often than not.
The only other thing on tonight (thanks to the debate) is part of the TGIF line-up on ABC. These shows (the two on tonight and the two not on) serve only to prove that comedy need not be an essential ingredient for a sitcom.

8pm Watch Joey, Tivo Survivor. I like Survivor, but it moves so much faster when you can speed through the challenges and all that useless yapping at the Tribal Council. Joey has so far been uneven, but it's better than many of the comedies on tv (see TGIF on ABC). Skip Will and Grace at 8:30, it's tired and played out.

9pm Watch CSI, Tivo The Apprentice. Both are compelling and worth watching, but again it's much easier to watch when you can fast forward past the parts that don't matter.

10pm watch nothing or better yet see if there's a good medical documentary show on TLC or The Discovery Channel. ER absolutely blows. It lost it's direction about five years ago and it's been skating on reputation every since. It's time to let it go. If you really need something, watch Without A Trace. It's not my favorite show, but it's a hell of a lot better than ER is these days.

At 8pm, hit the Tivo and tune to Fox for That 70s Show. It still makes me chuckle aloud at least once a show. However, the show to watch live at eight is clearly Lost. After two episodes, I'm totally hooked. Interesting characters, a complex interweaving story and some sort of a monster on a deserted (or is it?) isle, what else could you ask for in a TV Show?

A lot of people like Smallville. I've watched it and as much as I like twenty-something actors pretending to still be in high school, I just haven't been able to get into it.

At 9pm, things get sketchy. Fox offers an hour of Bernie Mac. It's a good show and doesn't get the ratings it deserves. This is what you should watch. You might also want to check out Kevin Hill on UPN. It's a little simplistic and the plot contrivence to get a baby into Taye Diggs hands is about as believable as government intelligence reports regarding Iraq, but it's a decent quick hour. The bachelor is on ABC, but who cares. CBS and NBC are re-running various Law and Order and CSI episodes to build up to...

10pm...where Law and Order and CSI:NY go head to head. My advice...watch Wife Swap on ABC. Unlike Fox's version this is just a good sociological look at fish out of water and different families in America. CSI:NY is so dark it's not even funny (and in fact it has no humor in it at all) and while I still like Law and Order, I'll just catch it in one of the hundred or so reruns durning the next week.

Well this whole political season is playing havoc with my ability to watch television. It's very frustrating. That said, watch the VP debate. Should be entertaining.

At 8pm check out Gilmore Girls on WB. With Aaron Sorkin gone (for now) from the TV landscape this stands out as the most sharply written show around. It's light and fun and if you're a young thirtysomething mom with a teenage daughter you'll be able to relate.

Also at 8pm Tivo Last Comic Standing. By Tivoing it you can skip Jay Mohr (who's not so funny) and all the other crap in between the stand-up portions of the show.

At 9pm give Veronica Mars a try on UPN. It's an interesting take on a young girl who's an outcast by day and remains an outcast at night, but helps her dad who is a private detective. He used to be the sheriff but he accused the richest man in town of killing his own daughter and lost his job and his wife. We still don't know what happened, I'm sure we'll find out eventually either in a November, February or May if this show makes it that long.

At 10pm there's nothing on the networks tonight thanks to the debates, but you should be watching Real World Philadelphia. Cause The Real World is still cool and it's in Philly which makes it doubly good.

Mondays pretty much blow as far as tv is concerned. Sure, if you are a sports fan, there's Monday Night Football, but things slide downhill quickly from there.

At eight check out Antiques Roadshow on PBS...it's a lot like the lottery. You can watch and think to yourself..."I bet that piece of crap Hummel grandma left me in her will is worth $10 million dollars, just like that woman on the Antiques Roadshow."

At nine head to CBS to watch Everybody Loves Raymond and then Two and a Half Men. Yes, they are the popular choice, but sometimes that's because they're good. This is one of those times. Both shows are funny and Raymond is ducking out after this season before it gets too old. Good for them.
If you'd rather try a drama, head to the WB and watch Everwood. It's about a doctor who moves to a small town after his wife dies. It stars Treat Williams, who doesn't look half as uncomfortable as you might have thought seeing how this isn't a B-Moive. In the show,his teenage son, who hates him because that's what teenagers do, gets one girl pregnant (but doesn't know it) and is seeing a second girl. Plus, Scott Wolf (of Party of Five) is joining the cast. If you need to know more about the show, you probably won't want to watch it.

At ten, read a book. Many would tell you to watch CSI Miami, I'm not one of them. I don't think it's all that good. It's just a dead on copy of the original, but without the sense of humor. Plus, the biggest difference is the male lead. Both David Caruso and William Peterson have huge egos, but only Caruso's is apparent when he's on-screen.

7 PM... There's not a whole lot on at seven. Fox is still going to have reruns of their entire Sunday line-up until the Baseball playoffs are done so go watch 60 minutes... you might learn something (or at the very least, see a poorly fact-checked report).

8 PM... (Tivo Alert) Cold Case. I was slow in coming to this show (because usually I'm over on Fox, but they're not here so CBS gets a viewer. Maybe it's a little formulaic (but isn't most of what's on TV?)it's pretty well acted and it's not a member of the Law and Order or CSI franchise which is something these days. Meanwhile you can Tivo Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Yes, it's terribly sappy. Yes the designers all sound like bad sports color commentators as they mention how each house is the best they've ever done and each family is "the most deserving". Still, it works.

9 PM... I was going to recommend Sue Thomas F.B Eye-- it's about a blind FBI agent and her dog on PAX, but apparently a bottle of whiskey doesn't get you as drunk as it used to. Instead, start with Law and Order Criminal Intent. It's just a damn good show. Tivo Desperate Housewives....I haven't seen it yet, but I've heard nothing but good things about it. If Desperate Housewives falters, give Jack and Bobby a try over on the WB. It's rather good.

10 PM... Watch your Tivoed shows...everything else on sucks.

This is subject to change as the season progresses (and Fox actually adds some real programming like Arrested Development) I'll be updating as we go.

Once again this show has proved one thing to me over and over; given 26 writers and 5 months they still can't come up with anything funny, not even for the first show.

They couldn't find funny if they were dropped into a vat of it and made to live there for 8 months with a crazy asian woman who would come to the side of the vat every hour exclaiming "You're in the funny vat dammit! It's a vat of funny!"

They wouldn't know funny if it walked up to them at a party, introduced itself (even though funny would have been wearing a name tag), gave them it's business card and then proceeded to beat each and every writer with a huge funny stick.

SNL and funny, celebrating 30 years of exclusive and separate relations.

Dear Chris Magazine,

Typically I let people be wrong and make fools out of themselves. I let them say the wrong thing and don't correct them, some people call this being polite. However, in a recent article I read written by Associated Press writer Randolph E. Schmid he reports on a new species of "Dinosaur" that scientists think may have been the first carnivore to use stealth to catch its prey. The problem I have is that in the article Randy refers to the animal as both a Dinosaur and a reptile several times. Now, I'm no scientist, but even I know that reptiles and dinosaurs are two different families. They are as different as mammals and birds. Yet this reporter insists on calling this newly discovered animal both. I Googled this author and found that he has written a number of science related articles, which would indicate that he has some sort of inclination towards science. So how is it that he cannot keep his families straight when reporting about a new discovered species? I don't know, maybe I'm just being too critical, but this just goes to show another case of sloppy journalism. Dan Rather be warned - Randy is gunning for your seat.

Adam

following is the article from the AP: (the emphasis' have been added by Adam)

Dinosaur May Have Been Stealth Hunter

Thu Sep 23, 2:01 PM ET


By RANDOLPH E. SCHMID, Associated Press Writer

WASHINGTON - The strike would have come out of nowhere: One second the fish was swimming placidly, no danger in sight, a moment later it was lunch.

Scientists have discovered what may have been one of the first stealth hunters, a long-necked swimming dinosaur that could sneak up on prey and attack without warning.

"The long neck would allow it to approach prey without the whole body becoming visible," Olivier Rieppel of the Field Museum in Chicago, a co-author of the report, said in a telephone interview.

The newly found reptile with fangs lived in a shallow sea in what is now southeast China more than 230 million years ago, the research team, led by Chun Li of the Chinese Academy of Sciences, reports in Thursday's issue of the journal Science.

Li first found the head of the dinosaur in the fall of 2002, and later uncovered the remainder of the animal. He named it Dinocephalosaurus orientalis, meaning terrible headed lizard from the Orient.

Dinocephalosaurus — with a body about three feet long and a neck adding five and a half feet — is related to Tanystropheus, another long-necked reptile that lived in the area of Europe and the Middle East.

But the researchers said the newly named creature had 25 neck vertebrae, more than twice that of Tanystropheus, and in Dinocephalosaurus they were not as elongated. It had rib-like bones parallel to the vertebrae.

Both are members of a diverse reptile group called the protorosaurs, which have long necks and elongated neck vertebrae.

Scientists have long wondered at the purpose for the long necks in this group of animals.

"This is important research because we have finally explained the functional purpose of this strange, long neck," said Rieppel, head of geology and curator of fossil amphibians and reptiles at the Field Museum.

As Dinocephalosaurus approached in murky water, its prey would have been aware only of the relatively small head, not the full-size profile of a predator.

Michael LaBarbera of the University of Chicago, a co-author of the report, said the rib-like bones along the side of the neck may also have played a role in hunting.

Those bones give the neck some stiffness, Rieppel explained. It could flex, but not like a snake.

According to LaBarbera, contraction of the creature's neck muscles could have rapidly straightened the neck and splayed the neck ribs outward.

That would have greatly increased the volume of the throat, allowing the animal to lunge forward in the water at prey. Ordinarily, lunging through water creates a pressure wave that a fish can sense, allowing it to flee. But the researchers said that by suddenly enlarging its throat Dinocephalosaurus could, in effect, suck in and swallow its own pressure wave, giving it the ability to strike without warning.

"It allowed an almost perfect strike at prey, which usually consisted of elusive fish and squid," Rieppel said.

It's a process similar to the suction feeding done by some fish and turtles, Rieppel added.

"Feeding underwater in a dense medium is always a problem, and suction feeding is an elegant solution," he said.

But, LaBarbera said in a statement, "suction feeding in Dinocephalosaurus was different from suction feeding in any other animal. Rather than expand the volume of its mouth to suck in prey, Dinocephalosaurus expanded the volume of its throat, in many ways a more effective approach."

The research was funded by the National Natural Science Foundation of China.


Adam,

Your question was a good one and we put the investigative team on the case. It turns out that many dinosaurs were, in fact, reptiles. A reptile is defined as an animal that has dry, scaly skin and breathes by means of lungs. This would seem to include most dinosaurs.

However, since you are a friend, Chris Magazine has written a scathing letter to the AP and RANDOLPH E. SCHMID. We have demanded an apology and his resignation (or firing). Also we had vandals break the windows of his 1987 Toyota Celica and scrape the words "dinosaur confuser" into his hood with a bowie knife. In addition to this we've also had one of our female interns call his house periodically and when his wife answers ask for Randy Randolph and then ask her if she's his wife. When she says that she is, our intern says she must have the wrong number, but to tell Randy to call Mercedes and then hang up. We hope our efforts will make you feel a bit better about the article.

Have a nice day.

Chris Magazine

So you stumble
staggering through
hoping that when you get up
it doesn't hit you in the face again
even so
it always does
even when you see it coming
from a mile away
all you can do
is stare
until it hits you
and you stumble
and stagger though